And my soul hungered...

So I think I finally found the voice to everything that I have been feeling for the last couple of months. It started taking shape a couple of weeks ago with conversation I had with my roommate H. I had been sick that day and had stayed home from church, and of course, by the time everyone else got home I was on the mend and feeling very guilty for having missed the wonderful edification of the spirit. However, as my roomie and I talked about prayer, I was reminded about a line from a book I had recently read where a young woman had distanced herself from God, and in looking back she pin-pointed the moment as when she "lost the need to pray".  I was humbled because I know that prayer is an essential part of everyday, and yet frequently I will be sitting in class and realize that I had forgotten to pray that morning; I always send off a repentant prayer, but it is not the same. Nothing can replace the strength and power that comes from kneeling before my Maker and pouring out my heart in sincere and sacred prayer.  I am not prolific enough to even try to express the nature of prayer as I understand it in what I hope to be a direct and concise post, but this message, The Lifeline of Prayer by James E. Faust, sums it all up perfectly for me. Please read it. After this conversation I renewed my desire to become more faithful in my prayers. I started asking to find that "need". And as my God knows me so well, this week in church we reviewed the story of a man who knew very well the power of prayer Enos; the words "and my soul hungered" have reverberated in my heart because my soul does hunger to kneel down before my maker. I have rediscovered my need.

But my epiphany did not stop there; and yes it is one of those reoccurring epiphanies because my heart is hard enough that the Lord sees fit to reteach me the same lessons sometimes. Z pointed out on Sunday that Enos received answers to his prayers not because he was long-winded but because he prayed with sincerity and with every intention to do whatever our God required of him, and he did. Prayer is not just the action but the faith and the motivation behind it. It is not just the desire but the combination of works and intent. It is not enough to want to pray; it is not enough to offer rote prayers.

It is not enough to want to change or to change while glancing over our shoulder's looking back at Sodom. We have to want to change and then change without making excuses or wishing for what might have been; we have to change and lose all desire to sin.. Many times we want to do something but we are too comfortable or just aren't quite ready to give up our vices but those desire will do us no good with out the change of heart. There is a line that I have always loved that says when you have faith in Jesus Christ "you accomplish what the Lord wants you to accomplish." In other words you become who the Lord wants you to become, giving up all vices and sins until little by little, day after day, we become perfect. Now I have gotten off on a little tangent but it all ties in, I promise. If you want to learn more about faith and becoming as God would have us become I recommend this link Chapter 6 because I am going to return to my point.

Last month I attended a conference where marriage was emphasized; not in the usually way, which was a great relief, but one thing was said that really struck a cord with me. One lady told us that we can't be sitting around waiting for the next big thing in our life (marriage, career, etc.), we need to be on our feet actively engaged in and loving life. I thought about this a lot. "Am I actively enjoying life?" "Would a person on the street or in my class or in the car behind me or beside me know that I LOVE life?" In this moment, sitting among thousands of my peers, I felt a need to show my love for life but serving others. I felt a need to find more people to love. As I sat there and reflected on my life, I realize that I touch the lives of the people I work with and the people who I live with or those friends in study groups, but to the rest of the world I am a closed book. I go to class, to work, and to bed. I feel this emptiness in my life and in my heart, not because what I do isn't meaningful, not because I don't love or serve, but because I don't do enough. I went home from that conference determined to start serving strangers, and then reality set in: test after test, project after project, my burning desire was doused by the business of life itself and I justified delaying my inspired change to embrace life and love more. My soul hungered and I failed to feed it; I denied its hunger and have been starving it of the things it requires.

Because of the direction the last couple of my posts have taken, I have been thinking a lot about charity; it is the greatest gift we can have according to Paul (1 Cor 13). It is the ability to see our fellow men as the sons and daughters of God that they are and to love them as such. Over the past two months that I have reflected on this theme I have been reminded often of this quote:

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other."

-Marvin J. Ashton

I am easily annoyed by people, especially when driving, and I struggle not to judge or lose my patience. It is part of the reason that I have felt the need to find the love. When I feel God's love for me, it is easier to feel it for his children, and when I feel that charity towards my neighbors, it is easier to remember that God is my Father and He loves me more than I can ever hope to comprehend.

This week a young woman said something to me about how God has so many angels busy listening to and answering our prayers, and my heart hurt for her that  she did not yet understand that as a daughter of the All Mighty God, He heard her prayers. Our faith in God is based in His very nature as a perfect being possessing  the attributes of love, knowledge, justice, mercy, unchangeableness, and power; He is not some distant and impassionate power. He is the Father of our souls and that is why prayer is such a powerful thing. We don't pray to some random angel; we pray to God the Father in the name of His Son, Jesus Christ, and WE ARE HEARD.


The end result of my chastisement this week? It is not enough to want to serve more, love more, give more; until I "just do it", it is an one more failed dream all because I was too busy, too lazy, or too quick to explain away my time, my life, and my responsibility. So as I kneel down before my Father this night, I will pray to have the strength to "just do it". And if I pass you tomorrow, I hope that I am living my life in such a way that you will know that I enjoy it.


Another great article to read, if you have any time left after my rant is The Best is Yet to Come. Or even Foreget-me-not and Your Happily Ever After.