Who Am I (A New Year's Resolution)

I find myself sitting in an airport on New Year's Eve wishing I had a pad of paper to write out my list of New Year's Resolutions (since I don't have that I am blogging, on my phone...). Now for people who know me well, this may come as a shock. I am generally oposed to New Year's Resolutions  (to be referred to as NYRs for the duration of the post) because I feel that a year long goal is not very SMART. I have taught enough classes on goals to insist that they should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and TIMELY. My great complaint about NYRs is that they are not timely! I am all for daily, weekly, monthly and quarterly goals, but I feel that yearly goals are unrealistically untimely. We set ourselves up for failure. Getting down off my soapbox, I am setting myself some NYRs.

It all starts with a talk given in a church meeting over a year ago. Sometime prior to Aug. 2014, possibly in stake conference, someone shared the lyrics of the song "Who am I" from Les Mes. The lyrics struck a chord deep in my heart as I reflected on the Atonement of Jesus Christ and its power in my life.

Who am I?
Can I condemn this man to slavery
Pretend I do not feel his agony
This innocent who bears my face
Who goes to judgement in my place
Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
And must my name until I die
Be no more than an alibi?
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on
[He appears in front of the court]
Who am I? Who am I?
I am Jean Valjean!

"He gave me hope when hope was gone; he gave me strength to journey on." How true those words echo in my heart! But even more so, how true they will be tomorrow, and 6 months from now, and 365 days from now when I sit down and give an accounting of my achievements or failures. As I sit here my mind is drawn to the Psalm of Nephi, to the need we all have to repent and grow and change!

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

The Lord has invited us to improve ourselves and "be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect" (3 Nephi 12:48). And he has promised that we do not have to climb the path towards perfection alone! We are told that, "if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).

My NYRs are focused on some weak things that can be made stronger and some things that were good that I can replace with better uses of my time. My hope is that with my goals I will feel confident in answering "Who am I" next December, but also confident that my friends and family will also feel confident in their answers about who I am.

1. I resolve to read the Book of Mormon entirely at least once.
2. I resolve to write in my journal once a week.
3. I resolve to blog once a quarter (even if it is just an accounting of my progress).
4. I resolve to drink 8 glasses of water a day.
5. I resolve to exercise for 30 minutes a day at least 5 days a week.
6. I resolve to complete two Personal Progress Value Projects (Faith and Integrity).
7. I resolve to not drink soda at all, not even diet, not even when I am really tired or have a migraine.
8. I resolve to set a bedtime, and stick with it (being realistic I am starting with 11:30 PM).
9. I resolve to not eat from a drive thru.
10. I resolve to be on social media less (Facebook, because we all know my Instagram account is a joke).
11. I resolve to not eat dessert  (or sugary food/drinks) until my birthday in 2016.

To help myself succeed with my NYRs, I each Sunday I will check in on my progress and assess where improvements need to be made. Each month I will visually document progress. Each quarter I will publicly acknowledge progress  (blogging or Facebook). And next December, I will give a full accounting. 

In Preach My Gospel, we find the quote "When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates" (see Thomas S. Monson, in Conference Report, Oct. 1970, 107). I fully intend to use the same principle to my progress on NYRs.

New Year's Resolutions may not be your thing, and that is okay.  But as we start a new month and a new year, I encourage you to set some goals even if they aren't quite so long term. Next year may we be able to look back as Jean Valjean and say that we are not the men we were before so that we can face ourselves and know that we have strived to live worthy of the sacrifice of our Savior.

Miracles

A while back a friend elicited a promise from me that I would blog once a month; if you can't tell I have failed miserably. However, I try to think quality over quantity whenever I feel guilty. My thoughts have been all over the place lately. First of all, when my friends whom I do not see often ask me what has been going on in my life I am naturally inclined to tell them that my life is boring and that I lack stories to tell. I have recently realized that is not technically true; I have miracles. Maybe my life isn't as exciting as M-'s because I am not living in a foreign country, nor A-'s because I am not planning my wedding and done with school, nor is life as interesting as K-'s as she prepares for twins. But I am still so grateful to be where I am and my life is interesting enough.

I work with youth in custody, as a mentor, a chauffeur, and sometimes a babysitter. In the last couple of weeks I have gone from working with a couple of teenagers to a minivan full. My kids (as I call them) range from 14 to 19 in age and are just as different in personality. With some the 5 hours a week together is fun and goes by fast, and for others it can be frustrating. A is like a sibling, N reminds me of my brothers, M is full of it and obnoxious, K is a lot of talk but seems sincere, T is a slow mover, and T was brainwashed and I am just trying to figure out where the training ends and he/she starts. For a few of them it is too early to tell what they are really like and where we will go with our time together, but I frequently try to remind myself that they are all children of God. Sometimes it is easier than others. However, last week as I drove two youth to court I was blessed with a reminder of why I do what I do. I have know these youth for almost a year I have been able to see them progress and grow in the last year; you might even call it a miracle. In part I wonder how much of their change is just growing up, how much is the work that we do, and how much is the hand of the Lord. One of the two was baptized in foster care while the other is a Jehovah's Witness and neither are active in their faith.

Three years ago I found myself in the MTC; I had the best companions and I learned a lot from them. However, an MTC experience that I have thought a lot about in the last couple of years occurred in Madrid, as my companion and I taught Pres. Hill. I honestly don't remember what we shared with him, but I will never forget what he shared with us. President Hill pointed out that we always find conditional wording in the scriptures when the end result is dependent on human agency. "...men are that they MIGHT have joy." As I have thought of the miracles I have witnessed in the recent past, it strikes me how dependent miracles are on our faith or our action.

My other miracles have very much depended on the exercise of "blind" faith. As back ground description, I wear hard contacts which can be expensive. I recently acquired a new pair of contacts which explains my lack of desire to purchase new ones. A couple of weeks ago, I was taking my contacts out when one dropped on the carpet. I immediately got down on my knees and started looking for the contact. After a couple of minutes of looking I grabbed a flashlight (not for lack of light but to catch the contact at an angle with the light) and offered up a prayer pleading for assistance. As I continued to search, I looked everywhere twice. I wanted to give up many times as the probability of finding the object of my search was slim indeed. But I persisted in faith that the Lord would answer my prayer and I would find it. And when I reached the moment of deciding that perhaps my Father and I were disagreeing on the importance of this contact or that perhaps I was meant to learn something else besides the fact that my prayers are heard: There it was, directly in front of me on a section of the floor that I had searched at least 4 times quite thoroughly. In the moment of finding it, I knew that it was a miracle (small though it was) and that it was a lesson to me in the Power of God.

Another miracle as it were occurred the very next day. I had an appointment of sorts at 11 a.m. and I arrived early enough to escort some friends who had never been to that building to the entrance they needed before heading to my entrance. As I approached I looked for a paper that allows me admittance and could not find it anywhere. At first I was not at all worried as I had placed the paper in my purse before leaving the house. However, after searching twice, I realized it must have fallen out in the car. Looking at my watch I noted that it was 10:40 and that I would not have time to walk back to the where my vehicle was located and get back in time for my 11 o'clock meeting. However, I decided to return to my car and use my time in another manner until my friends meeting ended. When I got to my car and found the paper I needed, I glanced down at my watch and it still said 10:40. This did not surprise me since the face of my clock does not have any numbers or lines designating the times; I frequently am off on my telling of time by a couple of minutes one way or another. I digress; encouraged by the time, I decided to try to make my meeting. I climbed the three flights of stairs to street level, and ran to make the light crossing the street. I hurried to the door and got caught behind a large group of the rather elderly (thus slow-moving) . However, as I finally gained entrance, I glanced at my watch to see how much time I had and was astonished to see that my watch still read 10:40. It was at that moment that I recognized the miracle that had occurred. Time had literally stood still while I got to where I needed to go. I even made it to my meeting early.

I was so humbled as I reflected on the miracles that I have seen in the past weeks. They were small, and probably insignificant to most people. Many would pass it off as coincidence or the power of perseverance, but I recognized the hand of the Lord in my life. Some might call them Tender Mercies, others just blessings, but for me those moments were miracles. I know that our faith can create miracles when needed. God's will and ours are not always the same, but when they are miracles can occur.  I was reflecting upon the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego when they were faced with being thrown in the fiery furnace for not worshiping the idols of the Babylonians. Their response was along the lines of "Our God will save us, but if not we will still believe." If I hadn't made it to my meeting, if I hadn't found my contact, and if the youth I work with never change, I would still know that God is still a God of miracles.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense but don't forget to have the faith to witness miracles in your own life.

And my soul hungered...

So I think I finally found the voice to everything that I have been feeling for the last couple of months. It started taking shape a couple of weeks ago with conversation I had with my roommate H. I had been sick that day and had stayed home from church, and of course, by the time everyone else got home I was on the mend and feeling very guilty for having missed the wonderful edification of the spirit. However, as my roomie and I talked about prayer, I was reminded about a line from a book I had recently read where a young woman had distanced herself from God, and in looking back she pin-pointed the moment as when she "lost the need to pray".  I was humbled because I know that prayer is an essential part of everyday, and yet frequently I will be sitting in class and realize that I had forgotten to pray that morning; I always send off a repentant prayer, but it is not the same. Nothing can replace the strength and power that comes from kneeling before my Maker and pouring out my heart in sincere and sacred prayer.  I am not prolific enough to even try to express the nature of prayer as I understand it in what I hope to be a direct and concise post, but this message, The Lifeline of Prayer by James E. Faust, sums it all up perfectly for me. Please read it. After this conversation I renewed my desire to become more faithful in my prayers. I started asking to find that "need". And as my God knows me so well, this week in church we reviewed the story of a man who knew very well the power of prayer Enos; the words "and my soul hungered" have reverberated in my heart because my soul does hunger to kneel down before my maker. I have rediscovered my need.

But my epiphany did not stop there; and yes it is one of those reoccurring epiphanies because my heart is hard enough that the Lord sees fit to reteach me the same lessons sometimes. Z pointed out on Sunday that Enos received answers to his prayers not because he was long-winded but because he prayed with sincerity and with every intention to do whatever our God required of him, and he did. Prayer is not just the action but the faith and the motivation behind it. It is not just the desire but the combination of works and intent. It is not enough to want to pray; it is not enough to offer rote prayers.

It is not enough to want to change or to change while glancing over our shoulder's looking back at Sodom. We have to want to change and then change without making excuses or wishing for what might have been; we have to change and lose all desire to sin.. Many times we want to do something but we are too comfortable or just aren't quite ready to give up our vices but those desire will do us no good with out the change of heart. There is a line that I have always loved that says when you have faith in Jesus Christ "you accomplish what the Lord wants you to accomplish." In other words you become who the Lord wants you to become, giving up all vices and sins until little by little, day after day, we become perfect. Now I have gotten off on a little tangent but it all ties in, I promise. If you want to learn more about faith and becoming as God would have us become I recommend this link Chapter 6 because I am going to return to my point.

Last month I attended a conference where marriage was emphasized; not in the usually way, which was a great relief, but one thing was said that really struck a cord with me. One lady told us that we can't be sitting around waiting for the next big thing in our life (marriage, career, etc.), we need to be on our feet actively engaged in and loving life. I thought about this a lot. "Am I actively enjoying life?" "Would a person on the street or in my class or in the car behind me or beside me know that I LOVE life?" In this moment, sitting among thousands of my peers, I felt a need to show my love for life but serving others. I felt a need to find more people to love. As I sat there and reflected on my life, I realize that I touch the lives of the people I work with and the people who I live with or those friends in study groups, but to the rest of the world I am a closed book. I go to class, to work, and to bed. I feel this emptiness in my life and in my heart, not because what I do isn't meaningful, not because I don't love or serve, but because I don't do enough. I went home from that conference determined to start serving strangers, and then reality set in: test after test, project after project, my burning desire was doused by the business of life itself and I justified delaying my inspired change to embrace life and love more. My soul hungered and I failed to feed it; I denied its hunger and have been starving it of the things it requires.

Because of the direction the last couple of my posts have taken, I have been thinking a lot about charity; it is the greatest gift we can have according to Paul (1 Cor 13). It is the ability to see our fellow men as the sons and daughters of God that they are and to love them as such. Over the past two months that I have reflected on this theme I have been reminded often of this quote:

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other."

-Marvin J. Ashton

I am easily annoyed by people, especially when driving, and I struggle not to judge or lose my patience. It is part of the reason that I have felt the need to find the love. When I feel God's love for me, it is easier to feel it for his children, and when I feel that charity towards my neighbors, it is easier to remember that God is my Father and He loves me more than I can ever hope to comprehend.

This week a young woman said something to me about how God has so many angels busy listening to and answering our prayers, and my heart hurt for her that  she did not yet understand that as a daughter of the All Mighty God, He heard her prayers. Our faith in God is based in His very nature as a perfect being possessing  the attributes of love, knowledge, justice, mercy, unchangeableness, and power; He is not some distant and impassionate power. He is the Father of our souls and that is why prayer is such a powerful thing. We don't pray to some random angel; we pray to God the Father in the name of His Son, Jesus Christ, and WE ARE HEARD.


The end result of my chastisement this week? It is not enough to want to serve more, love more, give more; until I "just do it", it is an one more failed dream all because I was too busy, too lazy, or too quick to explain away my time, my life, and my responsibility. So as I kneel down before my Father this night, I will pray to have the strength to "just do it". And if I pass you tomorrow, I hope that I am living my life in such a way that you will know that I enjoy it.


Another great article to read, if you have any time left after my rant is The Best is Yet to Come. Or even Foreget-me-not and Your Happily Ever After.