Reactive

This is how I feel as we are approaching the end of 2018. I have had this blog post in my drafts folder for a good long while, but I am determined to finish it by 11:59 PM 2018. When I sat down this evening to formalize my thoughts and my New Year's resolutions, I definitely feel like am limping along, out of breath, 10 meters behind the crowd, but I want to document my thoughts and feelings and goals. So with the aim of being less reactive and more an intentional being, here we go.

Some of you may remember 2016. I was on FIRE!!!! I was in a really good place as far as my work, my spirituality, and my physical health; and then I spiraled out-of-control!!! I felt helpless. I felt like nothing I did was effective. I gave up on more and more of my healthy coping skills until I felt a little something like this poor guy: 

I definitely think that for the MAJORITY of the last two years I have been reactive, stuck going in circles and lashing out at anyone and everyone who got too close. I recently watched an episode of Eureka "Purple Haze" where everyone was acting strangely, and I saw myself in the angry, defensive, rude behavior. This was eye-opening considering I had been feeling as if I were coming to the end of the dark tunnel, rather than still quite firmly entrenched somewhere in the middle.

So as we close out 2018, I am setting my goals for the year and reminding myself that this year I WILL ACT rather than REACT.

I intend to live each day as if it were on purpose!! This is not a new lesson for me, but clearly is one that I struggle with more than others. I want to spend this year LIVING INTENTIONALLY.

How am I going to do this?

• Identify: what is my intention?
• Plan for it.
• Be mindful (aware and don't get distracted)!
• Set goals that work towards my end intention.
• Move forward with purpose and direction.
• Have a plan B and C ... and Z.

My Intention

My intention for 2019 is to live more completely following the Word of Wisdom, to better honor my covenants, and to repent more frequently, more sincerely and more completely than before.

Plan for it.

In progress...

Be Mindful.

This is a daily struggle that I am planning to succeed at by using reminders. On my mirror, in my car, through my calendar, there will be little signs to remind me to slow down, to take a deep breath and to remember my intention.

Set Goals.

Now some may say that this is the whole point in the first place...and they might be right. However, I think remembering WHY in a big way is important to my SUCCESS.

1. I resolve to drink half my body weight in OUNCES of water EVERYDAY. I know that I am healthier and happier when I am well-hydrated. So this year, in the words of my niece, "I'm hydrating!" In fact, I intend to drink 16 oz of water before every meal and 16 oz first thing in the morning. Those 64 ozs will go a long way towards the half by body weight in oz of H20.
2. I resolve to use sparingly meat and fowls in my diet. I have long felt that this counsel in the Word of Wisdom was taken too lightly or ignored in its entirety. I intend to do better, MUCH better. I hope to improve throughout the course of this next year to develop a sustainable vegetarian lifestyle. As I know that this will take time and planning to really be able to have a balanced diet (especially with my iron struggles), I am giving myself a little wiggle room on this goal.
3. I resolve to not eat desserts. Again. I felt great when I wasn't eating dessert in 2016. I didn't give up sugar entirely, but near to, and I am convinced that it is a large part of my mental, physical and spiritual success that I had that year. As a society, we eat too much sugar and I know that for me and my body it is B.A.D. With the clearly researched and documented negative physical health correlations with sugar consumption, it is a wonder that the FDA doesn't mandate a BLACK LABEL on any treat as it does for cigarettes! In 2016, I gave up desserts for 303 days, but this time I intend to be done forever. It is not worth the cost in my life.
4. I resolve to study 6 days a week. School was fairly easy for me throughout my life, the result of which is that I have terrible -I repeat- TERRIBLE study skills. With time and maturity, I have gotten better but I still am pretty bad at it. I will do better with my scripture study ("Come Follow Me" here I come.) and with my academic pursuits.
5. I resolve to get my 10000 steps a day MINIMUM. New Alert: Therapists are pretty sedentary. I can literally walk as little as 1500 steps from the time that I get up until I go to bed because I sit at my desk all day, except for the 10 steps to the waiting room for my client and back to my desk. NO MORE. 
6. I resolve to journal. During my out-of-control spiral, a fellow therapist and friend asked me if I was journaling. I said no. She then followed up with asking how many of my clients had the current therapy homework of journaling. In my head I counted nine, out loud I didn't reply. To which my friend responded with something along the lines of "Kristin, you know we tell our clients to do it because it works..." This year I intend to keep both an everyday life journal and a scripture study journal.
7. I resolve to read the Book of Mormon entirely. I didn't do so well with this in 2016, but this year I intend to work it into my calendar and everyday track it.
8. I resolve to not drink soda at all, not even diet, not even when I am really tired or have a migraine. This is going to be rough!! Dr. Pepper was a staple through my 2 years of teaching seminary, and I have come to enjoy my special treat (I even had one today!). However, I do better when I am not drinking calories, nor drinking fake sugars.
9. I resolve to only eat from a restaurant once a month. I have done a terrible job at meal planning and preparing ahead in the last two years. This has led to frequent food runs during the 30 minutes I give myself for lunch at work or at the end of a long day when I "need" my meal NOW. I will do better.

Move Forward with Purpose and Direction.

I am trying. I am making my best effort and this is my start. This year isn't a race, it isn't about 100%, it is about growing, improving, doing better and doing it all INTENTIONALLY.

Plan B.

In Plan B related news, when my nephew fell down on our walk last week and I started singing this song to him, he did not appreciate it. But about two blocks later, he did hold my hand and agree to "catch up" to the rest of the family about a block and a half ahead of us. This involved jogging up a hill while holding a four-year-old's hand and remembering to breathe and not trip over the nephew on the scooter. Note to self: four-year-old's don't appreciate 90's songs as much as I do.

"Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more"

I keep picturing in my head a certain rabbit with a certain pocket watch proclaiming, "I am late, I am late!!" I am most certainly late  as I write this blog post, partially because so much has changed since March I don't even know where to begin!!

My heart is full as I think of where I was at back in January as I set my New Year's Resolutions. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tired of where I was at in life and I wanted to set SMART goals. I succeeded in some areas and have failed in others; let me report.

1. I resolve to read the Book of Mormon entirely at least once.

In March I had set the goal to make it through Mosiah before June, I didn't make it. I got to the middle of 2nd Nephi. I am still invested in this and I need to make it a priority.

2. I resolve to write in my journal once a week.

I don't think I have written in my journal since March. The reminder alarm still goes off every Sunday though.

3. I resolve to blog once a quarter (even if it is just an accounting of my progress).

Fail. Still working on it though - I haven't given up!

4. I resolve to drink 8 glasses of water a day.

For the most part I have knocked this out of the park! There have been days here or there that I might not get all my water but I am more likely to get 10-12 cups of water than 5.

5. I resolve to exercise for 30 minutes a day at least 5 days a week.

In March, I was failing at this goal. In June I got back on the wagon and I can say that I have worked out at least 30 minutes 5 days a week (if not 6 ) for the last 4 months. I am getting there. I started a Beachbody free challenge group in June which had me working out for 30 minutes a day 6 days a week, I did another one in July. Then I started the 21-day fix, a workout program with 30 minute HIIT workouts, and I started feeling that I was really caring for my body the right way and really getting 30 minutes of EXERCISE!

6. I resolve to complete two Personal Progress Value Projects (Faith and Virtue).

I was released from Young Women's at the end of June, so while I am still working on these my snails pace is continuing to be a snails pace. And I am okay with that. Don't worry; snails cross finish lines too.

7. I resolve to not drink soda at all, not even diet, not even when I am really tired or have a migraine.

100%! Recently I have had a couple of time when I really wanted a Lemonberry Slushie during happy hour at Sonic, but I have resisted.

8. I resolve to set a bedtime, and stick with it (being realistic I am starting with 11:30 PM).

Fail. I was doing really well for a month or two (July and August) but I have gotten bad at this again and need to get back on the wagon.

9. I resolve to not eat from a drive thru.

Drive thru eating has been significantly less since June as in less than five times in 4 months - still not the best but better.

10. I resolve to be on social media less (Facebook).

I am on Facebook more as I participate in and run challenge groups, but I guess my Facebook time has been more constructive.

11. I resolve to not eat dessert  (or sugary food/drinks) until my birthday in 2016.

Okay, so this has been the goal that has probably gotten the most amount of attention from me and everyone else. I have some slip ups to report since March. I licked the beaters and ate a few mini cheesecakes, and I ate a chocolate chip with a piece of chocolate chip cookie on it still.

I can say that all now very easily but there was definitely some shame in the few cheesecakes. In June I taught YW and promised the girls a treat if they completed their assignment. So on the Second Saturday in June I made mini cheesecakes, that day I licked the beater and ate on that looked weird (I really was just trying to make sure it didn't taste awful because it looked REALLY weird). I admitted it, I fessed up, I wasn't terribly pleased with myself but neither was I mad.

There were left overs. I gave away a lot of cheesecakes, I took a lot to work. Yet Monday evening their were 2 in my refrigerator. They looked so innocent; I didn't think it would be a problem - after all they had been there for 3 days. I am no long clear on exactly what happened, but around 7 PM I went to the fridge, pulled out one of the cheesecakes and ate it while standing there in my kitchen.

It was divine! I am not sure if it was the 5 months without dessert that made that cheesecake taste so good or if it was just freaking AMAZING all by itself, but I ate the whole thing - Graham Cracker crust and all! And then I went back to doing whatever I had been doing. Thirty minutes later I ate the other one. I was really not pleased with myself and the internal name calling started immediately. I didn't post this "slip up" on Facebook because I wasn't done shaming myself.

Around 2 AM I woke up with a migraine, which went down in the history books as the first migraine ever to wake me up once I was already asleep. I was so disappointed in myself that I "couldn't manage" to resist a little cheesecake. I even think I would have had an easier time forgiving myself if I had stopped after one and not gone on to eat the other. Old vocabulary words that I had long since stopped using started coming back. "Weak," "stupid," "ugly," "liar," "worthless," "unlovable," "broken," "unforgivable," "not good enough," "unwanted," "unworthy."

I spiraled. I was processing the situation with a friend just a few days later and the my unwillingness to post about it on Facebook struck her as the most problematic. That was a symptom of not believing the comments that I expected that I would receive based off past experience. I anticipated comments like "You are so strong." "You inspire me." "You are amazing." And I didn't feel like it was true; I felt like I had hoodwinked everyone and they were giving me more credit than I deserved. I felt like a fraud - a weak, unlovable, unworthy fraud.

The perfectionist in me said "You've already ruined your perfect score, you might as well eat whatever dessert you want. Eat it all." I wanted to. I wanted to so very badly and I think the hardest decision in the past 9 months and 2 days was to continue to not eat dessert. The decision to not throw in the towel.

The therapist in me argued back, "154/157 days is still an A. You are still winning." So with time, and tears, and forgiving myself, I kept going, one day at a time. And for the most part it wasn't too hard. There were days when all I wanted to do was eat that dessert, and I walked away. Now I am at 275 days since January 1, 4 of which I have eaten what I would consider dessertish, 1 of which I truly and fully relapsed which means depending on who is counting I have between 98.5% and 99.6%.

"I am groundskeeper to His Temple."

My New Year's Resolutions were a reflection of what I was feeling physically and spiritually back in December. I felt that I needed to change and improve and repent! As a therapist, I am intimately aware of how our physical body can have a powerful influence over our spirit. I am deeply grateful for the physical body that I have been blessed with in this life, but in December I felt acutely that I was not caring for my "temple" in a pleasing manner to my Heavenly Father. I felt that I needed to do more to care for both the inside and outside of my holy "Temple", just as we do for the physical buildings dedicated as Temples.

I have seen both a physical and spiritual transformation so far this year and I am excited to see what these last 3 months hold for me as I continue to work towards my resolutions! I am so grateful for the support of family and friends who have helped me to get this far! I am also eternally grateful for a loving Father who hasn't given up on me even when I was ready to give up on myself.

Who Am I (A New Year's Resolution)

I find myself sitting in an airport on New Year's Eve wishing I had a pad of paper to write out my list of New Year's Resolutions (since I don't have that I am blogging, on my phone...). Now for people who know me well, this may come as a shock. I am generally oposed to New Year's Resolutions  (to be referred to as NYRs for the duration of the post) because I feel that a year long goal is not very SMART. I have taught enough classes on goals to insist that they should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and TIMELY. My great complaint about NYRs is that they are not timely! I am all for daily, weekly, monthly and quarterly goals, but I feel that yearly goals are unrealistically untimely. We set ourselves up for failure. Getting down off my soapbox, I am setting myself some NYRs.

It all starts with a talk given in a church meeting over a year ago. Sometime prior to Aug. 2014, possibly in stake conference, someone shared the lyrics of the song "Who am I" from Les Mes. The lyrics struck a chord deep in my heart as I reflected on the Atonement of Jesus Christ and its power in my life.

Who am I?
Can I condemn this man to slavery
Pretend I do not feel his agony
This innocent who bears my face
Who goes to judgement in my place
Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
And must my name until I die
Be no more than an alibi?
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on
[He appears in front of the court]
Who am I? Who am I?
I am Jean Valjean!

"He gave me hope when hope was gone; he gave me strength to journey on." How true those words echo in my heart! But even more so, how true they will be tomorrow, and 6 months from now, and 365 days from now when I sit down and give an accounting of my achievements or failures. As I sit here my mind is drawn to the Psalm of Nephi, to the need we all have to repent and grow and change!

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

The Lord has invited us to improve ourselves and "be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect" (3 Nephi 12:48). And he has promised that we do not have to climb the path towards perfection alone! We are told that, "if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).

My NYRs are focused on some weak things that can be made stronger and some things that were good that I can replace with better uses of my time. My hope is that with my goals I will feel confident in answering "Who am I" next December, but also confident that my friends and family will also feel confident in their answers about who I am.

1. I resolve to read the Book of Mormon entirely at least once.
2. I resolve to write in my journal once a week.
3. I resolve to blog once a quarter (even if it is just an accounting of my progress).
4. I resolve to drink 8 glasses of water a day.
5. I resolve to exercise for 30 minutes a day at least 5 days a week.
6. I resolve to complete two Personal Progress Value Projects (Faith and Integrity).
7. I resolve to not drink soda at all, not even diet, not even when I am really tired or have a migraine.
8. I resolve to set a bedtime, and stick with it (being realistic I am starting with 11:30 PM).
9. I resolve to not eat from a drive thru.
10. I resolve to be on social media less (Facebook, because we all know my Instagram account is a joke).
11. I resolve to not eat dessert  (or sugary food/drinks) until my birthday in 2016.

To help myself succeed with my NYRs, I each Sunday I will check in on my progress and assess where improvements need to be made. Each month I will visually document progress. Each quarter I will publicly acknowledge progress  (blogging or Facebook). And next December, I will give a full accounting. 

In Preach My Gospel, we find the quote "When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates" (see Thomas S. Monson, in Conference Report, Oct. 1970, 107). I fully intend to use the same principle to my progress on NYRs.

New Year's Resolutions may not be your thing, and that is okay.  But as we start a new month and a new year, I encourage you to set some goals even if they aren't quite so long term. Next year may we be able to look back as Jean Valjean and say that we are not the men we were before so that we can face ourselves and know that we have strived to live worthy of the sacrifice of our Savior.