"Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more"

I keep picturing in my head a certain rabbit with a certain pocket watch proclaiming, "I am late, I am late!!" I am most certainly late  as I write this blog post, partially because so much has changed since March I don't even know where to begin!!

My heart is full as I think of where I was at back in January as I set my New Year's Resolutions. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tired of where I was at in life and I wanted to set SMART goals. I succeeded in some areas and have failed in others; let me report.

1. I resolve to read the Book of Mormon entirely at least once.

In March I had set the goal to make it through Mosiah before June, I didn't make it. I got to the middle of 2nd Nephi. I am still invested in this and I need to make it a priority.

2. I resolve to write in my journal once a week.

I don't think I have written in my journal since March. The reminder alarm still goes off every Sunday though.

3. I resolve to blog once a quarter (even if it is just an accounting of my progress).

Fail. Still working on it though - I haven't given up!

4. I resolve to drink 8 glasses of water a day.

For the most part I have knocked this out of the park! There have been days here or there that I might not get all my water but I am more likely to get 10-12 cups of water than 5.

5. I resolve to exercise for 30 minutes a day at least 5 days a week.

In March, I was failing at this goal. In June I got back on the wagon and I can say that I have worked out at least 30 minutes 5 days a week (if not 6 ) for the last 4 months. I am getting there. I started a Beachbody free challenge group in June which had me working out for 30 minutes a day 6 days a week, I did another one in July. Then I started the 21-day fix, a workout program with 30 minute HIIT workouts, and I started feeling that I was really caring for my body the right way and really getting 30 minutes of EXERCISE!

6. I resolve to complete two Personal Progress Value Projects (Faith and Virtue).

I was released from Young Women's at the end of June, so while I am still working on these my snails pace is continuing to be a snails pace. And I am okay with that. Don't worry; snails cross finish lines too.

7. I resolve to not drink soda at all, not even diet, not even when I am really tired or have a migraine.

100%! Recently I have had a couple of time when I really wanted a Lemonberry Slushie during happy hour at Sonic, but I have resisted.

8. I resolve to set a bedtime, and stick with it (being realistic I am starting with 11:30 PM).

Fail. I was doing really well for a month or two (July and August) but I have gotten bad at this again and need to get back on the wagon.

9. I resolve to not eat from a drive thru.

Drive thru eating has been significantly less since June as in less than five times in 4 months - still not the best but better.

10. I resolve to be on social media less (Facebook).

I am on Facebook more as I participate in and run challenge groups, but I guess my Facebook time has been more constructive.

11. I resolve to not eat dessert  (or sugary food/drinks) until my birthday in 2016.

Okay, so this has been the goal that has probably gotten the most amount of attention from me and everyone else. I have some slip ups to report since March. I licked the beaters and ate a few mini cheesecakes, and I ate a chocolate chip with a piece of chocolate chip cookie on it still.

I can say that all now very easily but there was definitely some shame in the few cheesecakes. In June I taught YW and promised the girls a treat if they completed their assignment. So on the Second Saturday in June I made mini cheesecakes, that day I licked the beater and ate on that looked weird (I really was just trying to make sure it didn't taste awful because it looked REALLY weird). I admitted it, I fessed up, I wasn't terribly pleased with myself but neither was I mad.

There were left overs. I gave away a lot of cheesecakes, I took a lot to work. Yet Monday evening their were 2 in my refrigerator. They looked so innocent; I didn't think it would be a problem - after all they had been there for 3 days. I am no long clear on exactly what happened, but around 7 PM I went to the fridge, pulled out one of the cheesecakes and ate it while standing there in my kitchen.

It was divine! I am not sure if it was the 5 months without dessert that made that cheesecake taste so good or if it was just freaking AMAZING all by itself, but I ate the whole thing - Graham Cracker crust and all! And then I went back to doing whatever I had been doing. Thirty minutes later I ate the other one. I was really not pleased with myself and the internal name calling started immediately. I didn't post this "slip up" on Facebook because I wasn't done shaming myself.

Around 2 AM I woke up with a migraine, which went down in the history books as the first migraine ever to wake me up once I was already asleep. I was so disappointed in myself that I "couldn't manage" to resist a little cheesecake. I even think I would have had an easier time forgiving myself if I had stopped after one and not gone on to eat the other. Old vocabulary words that I had long since stopped using started coming back. "Weak," "stupid," "ugly," "liar," "worthless," "unlovable," "broken," "unforgivable," "not good enough," "unwanted," "unworthy."

I spiraled. I was processing the situation with a friend just a few days later and the my unwillingness to post about it on Facebook struck her as the most problematic. That was a symptom of not believing the comments that I expected that I would receive based off past experience. I anticipated comments like "You are so strong." "You inspire me." "You are amazing." And I didn't feel like it was true; I felt like I had hoodwinked everyone and they were giving me more credit than I deserved. I felt like a fraud - a weak, unlovable, unworthy fraud.

The perfectionist in me said "You've already ruined your perfect score, you might as well eat whatever dessert you want. Eat it all." I wanted to. I wanted to so very badly and I think the hardest decision in the past 9 months and 2 days was to continue to not eat dessert. The decision to not throw in the towel.

The therapist in me argued back, "154/157 days is still an A. You are still winning." So with time, and tears, and forgiving myself, I kept going, one day at a time. And for the most part it wasn't too hard. There were days when all I wanted to do was eat that dessert, and I walked away. Now I am at 275 days since January 1, 4 of which I have eaten what I would consider dessertish, 1 of which I truly and fully relapsed which means depending on who is counting I have between 98.5% and 99.6%.

"I am groundskeeper to His Temple."

My New Year's Resolutions were a reflection of what I was feeling physically and spiritually back in December. I felt that I needed to change and improve and repent! As a therapist, I am intimately aware of how our physical body can have a powerful influence over our spirit. I am deeply grateful for the physical body that I have been blessed with in this life, but in December I felt acutely that I was not caring for my "temple" in a pleasing manner to my Heavenly Father. I felt that I needed to do more to care for both the inside and outside of my holy "Temple", just as we do for the physical buildings dedicated as Temples.

I have seen both a physical and spiritual transformation so far this year and I am excited to see what these last 3 months hold for me as I continue to work towards my resolutions! I am so grateful for the support of family and friends who have helped me to get this far! I am also eternally grateful for a loving Father who hasn't given up on me even when I was ready to give up on myself.

Who can find a Virtuous Woman

I wrote this post several weeks ago and then did not have the time to add finishing touches until today. As I read through it today, I am mentally and emotionally in a very different place with a different perspective on Virtue than I did those weeks ago. This morning I found myself very frustrated with and disappointed in myself as I sat in sacrament meeting. I sat there and hoped and prayed for grace as I repented of the same sin yet again, feeling all the while that I don't deserve to be forgiven since I clearly can't get the "sin no more" part of repentance down.

Moral excellence, goodness, and righteousness seemed so unattainable today as pondered the words to several sacrament hymns. "If [I am] pure before thee...to have [my] sins remitted and take His flesh and blood" and "I tremble to know that for me he was crucified, that for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died." I definitely didn't feel pure and felt terribly unworthy of His sacrifice. As I tried (and mostly failed) to not break down and lose it in the middle of church, I felt a need to talk to my mother. It was very appropriate for Mother's day, so skipping out on Sunday School, I talked to my mom, about mostly absurdities and boring minutia of everyday life. I calmed down, I returned to my meetings, and for the most part I did okay. But when I read through the original 5 paragraphs of my post (my attempt to not ramble forever) I felt like a hypocrite. My words seemed too shiny, too hopeful. Even though I don't feel like a virtuous woman today, I strive to be someday. So unedited, bright and shiny, the original post:

I love the explanation of Virtue given in Preach My Gospel, the manual given to missionaries to help them to prepare to teach the gospel. This explanation states " What you choose to think and do when you are alone and you believe no one is watching is a strong measure of your virtue."

I like to think of Virtue as purity, dedication and commitment. This post started as journaling about the Personal Progress value experience on Virtue that I competed a while ago. I loved how it didn't focus on the dos and don'ts of how to have Virtue or how to keep it. This value experience focused on the blessings of living a virtuous life. The presence of the Holy Ghost at all times and all places is one of the greatest gifts of God as we can grow closer to our Savior and more Christlike through the constant companionship of the third member of the Godhead.

On of my favorite passages of scripture of all time is found in the 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants. The entire section is a beautiful message of hope, love and promise that Joseph Smith received as a result of a heartfelt prayer for the saints while in the midst of his suffering in Liberty Jail. Looking at verses 45 and 46, we learn that Virtue will increase our confidence in the presence of God. Who doesn't want to be confident before God? Who wants to be filled with guilt and shame at that great day when we stand before our Eternal Father and The Christ, Jesus of Nazareth? "Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distill upon thy soul as the dews from heaven. The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever."

My heart was full as I read the promise of enduring righteously through the trials of this life. I know that pain and heartache are as necessary in our lives as joy and peace. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ trials can refine our souls and improve our character. I know that living a virtuous life, while it may not be the popular choice, will have greater blessings then I could ever imagine. I love the proverb "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies" (Proverbs 31:10). When I was in the Young Women's program (ages 12-18), virtue was not one of the values that we studied. I love the reminder that a virtuous woman is invaluable and is something to be sought after.

What a pleasure it is to be able to study it (virtue) now and be reminded of the power and influence a virtuous woman can have in the world today as Esther and Ruth and Sarai and Rachel and Rebekah and so many of the wonderful examples from biblical times. I am reminded of a group of mothers from my hometown  who were concerned enough about the standards of dance at a high school prom that they grouped together and met with school officials and made a plan to help their children to be virtuous. Their children may have been embarrassed that their moms were the ones making a ruckus, but to me it was a fantastic example of the power of being a virtuous woman.

"Have ye received His image in your countanence?"

March Madness is in full swing! Spring has arrived and I escaped Saint Patty's Day without a single pinch. The blossoms are in full bloom and a fine mist of yellow pollen is covering every surface of the South. We are three months into the new year, and it is time for me to make an accounting of my progress on my Resolutions as I promised that I would.

1. I resolve to read the Book of Mormon entirely at least once.
I have not been reading the Book of Mormon consecutively yet this year so I have made no progress towards this goal. I have not failed on this goal in just haven't made any progress towards finishing the Book of Mormon this year. I am setting a sub-goal of getting through Mosiah before my next accounting in June.

2. I resolve to write in my journal once a week.
I have written in my journal twice in the last three months. Needless to say I accounting currently failing miserably at this resolution. Isn't it great that I still have 9 months to get it right?!

3. I resolve to blog once a quarter (even if it is just an accounting of my progress).
Check! I have been pondering this post since March first and I

have been excited to report on the goals I am succeeding at and dreading to report my failure. I have found so much motivation to try harder and keep working at the things I am not doing well at knowing that I will be making an honest report of the end results.

4. I resolve to drink 8 glasses of water a day.
This resolution I have not been 100% successful at, but in the last three months there have been only about 10 days when I didn't get 8 cups of water and usually I got at least 10! Yay for water! I have noticed that I am less tired and generally feel better the days I  have enough water!

5. I resolve to exercise for 30 minutes a day at least 5 days a week.
Fail! I did really good for the first three weeks, and then the last week of January I caught some bug and stopped working out regularly. And it has been quite hard to start up regularly again. I am still working at it, but I have a long way to go before December.

6. I resolve to complete two Personal Progress Value Projects (Faith and Virtue).
I am going at a snails pace! I have completed one value experience for Faith and one for Virtue. At this rate in will not finish by December 31st, so for a sub goal I now need to complete two value experiences a month in order to give myself time to finish the value projects! I have loved going through the personal progress book and studying the scriptures in order to pass off my value experiences.  I am grateful for the opportunity to "experiment" with the principles of Faith and Virtue and increase my testimony of them. I feel like any one who is feeling stagnant in their spiritual progression just needs to work on some personal progress to feel the Fire of the Covenant burn brightly in their hearts.

7. I resolve to not drink soda at all, not even diet, not even when I am really tired or have a migraine.
100%! It has actually been easier than expected. I did invest in some Excedrin  to go in my car, but I have only needed it once!

8. I resolve to set a bedtime, and stick with it (being realistic I am starting with 11:30 PM).
Fail. Again I did really well the first week or so but my night owl tendencies have exerted themselves forcefully. I have been in bed prior to 11:30 every night but not generally asleep. I am still working at it!

9. I resolve to not eat from a drive thru.
Massive fail. I kind of even forgot this was one of my Resolutions. Time to start over!

10. I resolve to be on social media less (Facebook).
I think I have done well will this.... maybe. I guess this wasn't really a measurable goal (at least I didn't identify a way to measure it).

11. I resolve to not eat dessert  (or sugary food/drinks) until my birthday in 2016.
99.9% win. I had a dollop of whipped cream with some crumbs of cake one day a week or so ago. In substance abuse mindset,  I lapsed but did not relapse. I definitely have had a lot of difficulty not eating dessert this last month. It all started when I involuntarily committed a client. It was a clear situation were she was a danger to herself and others, but it was a difficult thing to testify before the magistrate that she was not of sound mind. 

I had an intense urge to have and milkshake as I drove home that night. That was the first real craving I had this year and they have come more often and more strongly ever since. As of today I have 79 days down and 224 days left. This resolution had made planning my birthday very exciting. I have been playing out what dessert I will indulge in come October. I am planning my relapse and it is very fun!

Now my gut says to end my post here and avoid my usual book length rants, but I have too many thoughts running through my mind to stop now.

Yesterday I was sitting in the celestial room of the Raleigh Temple and I picked up the Book of Mormon to read through Alma 5 for one of the Value Projects for Virtue. As in started reading I was delighted to realize that the book was in Spanish and with my mind turned to the covenants that I have made I read through the questions that Alma poses to the people of Zarahemla. My heart was touched and I felt eager to write in my journal my answers that I gave to the Lord as I pondered that passage of scripture. 

Then following that fantastic experience, I was attending the adult session of Stake conference and I was edified. As we reasoned together with Elder Kopischke regarding faith, I was encouraged to experiment to increase my faith in the Lord Jesus the Christ. Being mindful of the questions Alma asked three of my favorites resonated in my mind throughout the meeting and on my drive home. "Oh Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts? ... And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?"  

As I pondered and prayed in my heart, I turned the radio to K-Love and there coming through the speakers were the following lyrics: 

"No regrets, not this time, I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind. Let Your love make me whole...‘Cause just okay is not enough. I don't wanna go through the motions; I don't wanna go one more day... I don't wanna spend my whole life asking, 'What if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?'"

"The Motions" by Matthew West.

It was the perfect ending to a beautiful day. These lyrics put into words the feelings in my heart as I thought about what "experiments" I am going to be making over the next weeks and months. What an awesome invitation and prayer to experiment on the Word and increase our faith and give everything so that we can say with a resounding YES "I have received His image in my countenance. I have had a mighty change of heart and I have sung the song of redeeming love. I still sing it now!"

What love I feel for the Savior! How grateful I am that through His atonement I can improve and do better on my Resolutions and in obedience to His commandments! How glad I am that even though there were questions that I answered with less than 100% confidence, I can change and I can experiment until the day when my "confidence [shall] wax strong in the presence of God" (Doctrine and Covenants 121:45). I want to be able to say "I have given everything."

If you feel so inclined to take personal inventory of your standing before God, I have included the questions from Alma 5 (or you can go to the source itself):

1. have you sufficiently retained in remembrance the captivity of your fathers?

2. have you sufficiently retained in remembrance his mercy and long-suffering towards them?
3. And moreover, have ye sufficiently retained in remembrance that he has delivered their souls from hell?
4. were they destroyed?
5. were the bands of death broken, and the chains of hell which encircled them about, were they loosed?
6. on what conditions are they saved?
7. what grounds had they to hope for salvation?
8.  What is the cause of their being loosed from the bands of death, yea, and also the chains of hell?
9. did not my father Alma believe in the words which were delivered by the mouth of Abinadi?
10. And was he not a holy prophet?
11. Did he not speak the words of God, and my father Alma believe them?
12. And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God?
13. Have ye received his image in your countenances?
14. Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?
15. Do ye exercise faith in the redemption of him who created you?
16. Do you look forward with an eye of faith, and view this mortal body raised in immortality, and this corruption raised in incorruption, to stand before God to be judged according to the deeds which have been done in the mortal body?
17. I say unto you, can you imagine to yourselves that ye hear the voice of the Lord, saying unto you, in that day: Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth?
18. Or do ye imagine to yourselves that ye can lie unto the Lord in that day, and say—Lord, our works have been righteous works upon the face of the earth—and that he will save you?
19. Or otherwise, can ye imagine yourselves brought before the tribunal of God with your souls filled with guilt and remorse, having a remembrance of all your guilt, yea, a perfect remembrance of all your wickedness, yea, a remembrance that ye have set at defiance the commandments of God?
20. I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the image of God engraven upon your countenances?
21. I say unto you, can ye think of being saved when you have yielded yourselves to become subjects to the devil?
22. I ask of you, my brethren, how will any of you feel, if ye shall stand before the bar of God, having your garments stained with blood and all manner of filthiness?
23. Behold, what will these things testify against you?
24. Behold will they not testify that ye are murderers, yea, and also that ye are guilty of all manner of wickedness?
25. Behold, my brethren, do ye suppose that such an one can have a place to sit down in the kingdom of God, with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob, and also all the holy prophets, whose garments are cleansed and are spotless, pure and white?
26. And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?
27. Have ye walked, keeping yourselves blameless before God?
28.  Could ye say, if ye were called to die at this time, within yourselves, that ye have been sufficiently humble?
29. That your garments have been cleansed and made white through the blood of Christ, who will come to redeem his people from their sins?
30. Behold, are ye stripped of pride?
31. Behold, I say, is there one among you who is not stripped of envy?
32. And again I say unto you, is there one among you that doth make a mock of his brother, or that heapeth upon him persecutions?
33. if ye are not the sheep of the good shepherd, of what fold are ye?
34. Behold, I say unto you, that the devil is your shepherd, and ye are of his fold; and now, who can deny this?
35. And this is not all. Do ye not suppose that I know of these things myself?
36. can ye withstand these sayings;
37. yea, can ye lay aside these things, and trample the Holy One under your feet;
38. yea, can ye be puffed up in the pride of your hearts;
39. yea, will ye still persist in the wearing of costly apparel and setting your hearts upon the vain things of the world, upon your riches?
40. Yea, will ye persist in supposing that ye are better one than another;
41. yea, will ye persist in the persecution of your brethren, who humble themselves and do walk after the holy order of God, wherewith they have been brought into this church, having been sanctified by the Holy Spirit, and they do bring forth works which are meet for repentance—
42. Yea, and will you persist in turning your backs upon the poor, and the needy, and in withholding your substance from them?
43. For the names of the righteous shall be written in the book of life, and unto them will I grant an inheritance at my right hand. And now, my brethren, what have ye to say against this?