Humility

 Heaven knows this, humility, is a struggle for me every minute of every day! Over the last few months (since the last time I posted) I have been reflecting on the nature of relationships. Part of it could be because of my education and the topic of lectures, part of it could because I am 25 years old and single, part of this reflection might be due to things discussed in church or institute, but mostly I think that it comes from sitting down with clients and seeing so clearly why they are depressed: isolation, a lack of daily interactions, feeling alone, thinking about everything that has ever gone wrong with any of their past relationships. In some cases, it is so easy see the problem as a third party observer and mostly it focuses on the nature of relationships.

The Pride Cycle

Everybody knows that some relationships are healthy, some are abusive, some are enmeshed, and some are just wrong. Sometimes relationships end with varying amounts of pain and frustration. Sometimes we know what went wrong, but sometimes we are left baffled by a destructive force that is so obvious to someone on the outside looking in: PRIDE! In the LDS Church we are taught from a very early age about a pattern that reveals itself in the scriptures; we call it The Pride Cycle. 

Moses parts the Red Sea

Take the Israelites at the time of Moses for example. The people were enslaved to the Egyptians. They became a very humble people and pleaded to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, for help. The Lord has mercy on them and calls a prophet, Moses, to rescue the Israelites. They are freed from slavery and are escaping to the Promised Land when an interesting phenomena occurs: The people begin to complain and to take for granted the miracles they were experiencing (manna, parting the Red Sea, the Ten Commandments, the Ark of the Covenant, etc.). The Israelites became a proud, wicked and idolatrous people; as a result they were humbled by being denied entry into the Promised Land and wandered in the desert for 40 years.

The divorce rate in the United States was at 52.9% in 2011; marriage rates have decreased between 2000 and 2010 from 8.2 marriages per 1000 people to 6.8. Not an enormous difference but fairly telling. Cohabitation has increased, giving couples an easy out when pride rears its ugly head in a relationship. Recently in a discussion about relationships, the following adage from a driver's education class was shared:

'Here lies the body of George McFay

 He died defending his right of way

 He was right, dead right, as he drove along

 But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong.

The discussion leader related this to the need to "be right" in a relationship. It was rephrased something like this, in order to make a point:

"Here lies the marriage of George McFay, 

It died as he fought for the right of HIS way, 

George was right, alright, as he fought along, 

But his marriage is over just as if he'd been wrong."

(or But his divorce is just as final as if he'd been wrong)

I think this is something that I personally struggle with a good deal. I like to be right, and I'm a bit of a know-it-all, and it is hard for me to back away from an argument when I am RIGHT. But what is that pride, that need to be better, or more important, or more accurate, or more knowledgeable, or more composed, or a better philosopher, or more sophisticated, or a better cook, or a better homemaker, or a better mother, father, sister, brother, etc? Is that more important than our best friend, our spouse, our family, our future?

In the Bible Jesus teaches his disciples that "Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is the greatest in the Kingdom of God." (Matt. 18.4) He speaks of being meek, poor in spirit, broken hearted, and contrite; are not these traits of a humble man? If humility plays such a vital role in our attaining the Kingdom of God, that a mansion might be prepared for us, how much more important is it in our daily relationships???

Getting back to those statistics on divorce, most states allow a no-fault divorce to occur with a simple explanation of "irreconcilable differences" listed as reason enough to end a lifelong legal commitment! What does irreconcilable differences mean? He has bad breath? She didn't lose the baby weight? She can't cook? He doesn't pick up his dirty laundry? In my mind irreconcilable differences means you're giving up! The marriage commitment of the rest of your life (or eternity, depending on your belief system) is no longer worth your time and effort. You are too good for that? The other person doesn't deserve your effort?

Now I am not saying that there are not valid reasons to end a marriage; abuse should never be tolerated! Infidelity is a challenge that not all couples can overcome. Addictions (illicit drugs, alcohol, pornography, prescription drugs) can destroy relationships in every possible way, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. What I am saying is that PRIDE is the #1 destroyer of marriages.

In a recent survey by the National Fatherhood Initiative the top 8 causes that couples listed for divorce were:

1. Lack of Commitment (aka pride)
2. Too Much Arguing (pride)
3. Infidelity (in part, pride)
4. Marrying Too Young (know it all/pride)
5. Unrealistic Expectations (pride)
6. Lack of Equality (power struggle/pride)
7. Lack of Preparation (pride)
8. Abuse (pride)

Now some people might think that it is a stretch that all 8 of these top reasons for divorce could be attributed to pride on the side of one or both parties. But just think about it; how many of those reasons are accompanied with this type of logic? I am better than this (him/her). I am right. It has to be my way. Rules don't apply to me; I am above rules/society. I don't care what he/she thinks and feels; my feelings are more important! This isn't as easy as I thought it would be; I don't want this. I can't let go of that one comment made 10 years ago, so I will keep bringing it up. I am too good for this situation or this person. I have to be in charge, in control; I need the power no matter the cost.

Didn't Jesus teach to turn the other cheek? To give not only the coat but the cloak also? To forgive 70 times 7? Don't we call that being "Christian"? But where is this Christianity when someone cuts us off on the freeway? Where is this Christianity when you are worried sick because somebody should have been home hours ago and hasn't called, again? Where is the Christianity when the stress and bothers of everyday life start to get old?

In true dictionary form, I looked up the definition of humility and it said "to be humble". So I looked up that definition, so we can all have a clear idea of what it is Jesus wants us to be.

Well, I most certainly have #5 down pat, and I don't think #7 is anything close to what God means when he says humble. But for the most part I think the rest of those are pretty darn close. I think He wants us to recognize our dependence on Him in all things. He would want us to be "courteously respectful" to all His children. Being humble in our relationships means loving others, finding charity, forgiving trespasses, and enduring to the end.

It is my belief that part of our "test" here in this mortal existence is to learn how to build and sustain proper, healthy relationships. The scriptures teach that part of God's purpose in sending us to this earth was to test us to see if we would be faithful, obedient. But I don't think that it is a coincidence that by the laws of God, a family is necessary to bring His children into this world. The commandments that the scriptures outline teach us how to be better spouses, better daughters, better parents. God's commandments teach us how to be families! Isn't family the most important thing in life? What meaning do we find in money, or status, or possessions if there is nobody to share it with? What good is being right if you die alone?

Years ago when I was struggling to get along with a roommate, I read an article in my church's magazine that helped me to gain perspective on the difficult relationship. I was able to be a little bit more humble and see a little more of the big picture. The article was titled "Putting My Marriage Before My Pride". Essentially this woman and her husband had an awful fight and she waited and waited for him to come apologize to her. As the days passed and she grew more hurt and offended, this women knelt down and prayed to God that her husband would apologize. The result of that prayer was that the Holy Spirit touched her heart and asked her, "Would you rather be right or married?" (I am paraphrasing; for the whole story in her own words, click here.)

That question touched my heart. I wasn't married; my troublesome relationship was not with a dear friend (at that point in time) but it made me realize how much of the stress and tension came from our pride, both hers and mine. As I started asking myself "Is it more important that the kitchen be clean, or that we don't fight?" and "Would I rather use her idea or deal with pouting and confusion all day?" things slowly improved in our relationship. Four years later I would consider her a good friend. It was not easy. It took a lot of biting my tongue, but somehow God helped me to be a little more humble.

Humility...

For myself, I commit to being a little more kind this week. I will try not to pick fights. I will let things go when they aren't important. I will forgive the annoyances that I am faced with. I will try to be more teachable, more flexible, and more childlike. I will avoid selfishness and complaining. I will try to be more like my Savior. I will be more humble. Each minute of each day, I will remember that I must find humility.

When it comes to resolving conflict in relationships, "sweeping it under the rug" tends to make things worse. Here are 5 friendly tips on things you can do to work things out while still being humble.

1. Focus on the problem, not the person. When a disagreement turns to personal insults, raised voices, or mocking tones, the conversation is no longer productive. Be careful to focus on the problem without placing blame on your partner. If a disagreement because personal, you should pause the conversation.
2. Use reflective listening. Oftentimes during arguments we focus on getting our own point across rather than listening to our partner. Before responding to your partner, restate what they have said to you in your own words. Continue this process until your partner agrees that you understand. Next, share your side. Your partner should reflect back your ideas in their own words until they too understand. Using this technique will help both individuals feel listened to and understood, even if you disagree.
3. Use “I” statements. When sharing a concern, begin your sentence with “I”. For example: “I feel hurt when you don’t tell me you’ll be late”. With this sentence format we show that we are taking responsibility for our own emotion rather than blaming our partner. The alternative sentence—“You never tell me when you’re going to be late”—will often cause a partner to become defensive.
4. Know when to take a time-out. When you and your partner are becoming argumentative, insulting, or aggressive, it’s a good idea to take a time-out. Have a plan in place so you or your partner can call for a break when needed. Spend some time doing something alone that you find relaxing. When you’ve both calmed down, you and your partner can return to solving the problem. Be sure that you do return—it isn't a good idea to leave these issues unaddressed. 
5. Work toward a resolution. Disagreement is a normal part of a relationship. If it becomes clear that you and your partner will not agree, focus on a resolution instead. Try to find a compromise that benefits both individuals. Ask yourself if this disagreement really matters to your relationship, and let yourself move on if not.