Reactive

This is how I feel as we are approaching the end of 2018. I have had this blog post in my drafts folder for a good long while, but I am determined to finish it by 11:59 PM 2018. When I sat down this evening to formalize my thoughts and my New Year's resolutions, I definitely feel like am limping along, out of breath, 10 meters behind the crowd, but I want to document my thoughts and feelings and goals. So with the aim of being less reactive and more an intentional being, here we go.

Some of you may remember 2016. I was on FIRE!!!! I was in a really good place as far as my work, my spirituality, and my physical health; and then I spiraled out-of-control!!! I felt helpless. I felt like nothing I did was effective. I gave up on more and more of my healthy coping skills until I felt a little something like this poor guy: 

I definitely think that for the MAJORITY of the last two years I have been reactive, stuck going in circles and lashing out at anyone and everyone who got too close. I recently watched an episode of Eureka "Purple Haze" where everyone was acting strangely, and I saw myself in the angry, defensive, rude behavior. This was eye-opening considering I had been feeling as if I were coming to the end of the dark tunnel, rather than still quite firmly entrenched somewhere in the middle.

So as we close out 2018, I am setting my goals for the year and reminding myself that this year I WILL ACT rather than REACT.

I intend to live each day as if it were on purpose!! This is not a new lesson for me, but clearly is one that I struggle with more than others. I want to spend this year LIVING INTENTIONALLY.

How am I going to do this?

• Identify: what is my intention?
• Plan for it.
• Be mindful (aware and don't get distracted)!
• Set goals that work towards my end intention.
• Move forward with purpose and direction.
• Have a plan B and C ... and Z.

My Intention

My intention for 2019 is to live more completely following the Word of Wisdom, to better honor my covenants, and to repent more frequently, more sincerely and more completely than before.

Plan for it.

In progress...

Be Mindful.

This is a daily struggle that I am planning to succeed at by using reminders. On my mirror, in my car, through my calendar, there will be little signs to remind me to slow down, to take a deep breath and to remember my intention.

Set Goals.

Now some may say that this is the whole point in the first place...and they might be right. However, I think remembering WHY in a big way is important to my SUCCESS.

1. I resolve to drink half my body weight in OUNCES of water EVERYDAY. I know that I am healthier and happier when I am well-hydrated. So this year, in the words of my niece, "I'm hydrating!" In fact, I intend to drink 16 oz of water before every meal and 16 oz first thing in the morning. Those 64 ozs will go a long way towards the half by body weight in oz of H20.
2. I resolve to use sparingly meat and fowls in my diet. I have long felt that this counsel in the Word of Wisdom was taken too lightly or ignored in its entirety. I intend to do better, MUCH better. I hope to improve throughout the course of this next year to develop a sustainable vegetarian lifestyle. As I know that this will take time and planning to really be able to have a balanced diet (especially with my iron struggles), I am giving myself a little wiggle room on this goal.
3. I resolve to not eat desserts. Again. I felt great when I wasn't eating dessert in 2016. I didn't give up sugar entirely, but near to, and I am convinced that it is a large part of my mental, physical and spiritual success that I had that year. As a society, we eat too much sugar and I know that for me and my body it is B.A.D. With the clearly researched and documented negative physical health correlations with sugar consumption, it is a wonder that the FDA doesn't mandate a BLACK LABEL on any treat as it does for cigarettes! In 2016, I gave up desserts for 303 days, but this time I intend to be done forever. It is not worth the cost in my life.
4. I resolve to study 6 days a week. School was fairly easy for me throughout my life, the result of which is that I have terrible -I repeat- TERRIBLE study skills. With time and maturity, I have gotten better but I still am pretty bad at it. I will do better with my scripture study ("Come Follow Me" here I come.) and with my academic pursuits.
5. I resolve to get my 10000 steps a day MINIMUM. New Alert: Therapists are pretty sedentary. I can literally walk as little as 1500 steps from the time that I get up until I go to bed because I sit at my desk all day, except for the 10 steps to the waiting room for my client and back to my desk. NO MORE. 
6. I resolve to journal. During my out-of-control spiral, a fellow therapist and friend asked me if I was journaling. I said no. She then followed up with asking how many of my clients had the current therapy homework of journaling. In my head I counted nine, out loud I didn't reply. To which my friend responded with something along the lines of "Kristin, you know we tell our clients to do it because it works..." This year I intend to keep both an everyday life journal and a scripture study journal.
7. I resolve to read the Book of Mormon entirely. I didn't do so well with this in 2016, but this year I intend to work it into my calendar and everyday track it.
8. I resolve to not drink soda at all, not even diet, not even when I am really tired or have a migraine. This is going to be rough!! Dr. Pepper was a staple through my 2 years of teaching seminary, and I have come to enjoy my special treat (I even had one today!). However, I do better when I am not drinking calories, nor drinking fake sugars.
9. I resolve to only eat from a restaurant once a month. I have done a terrible job at meal planning and preparing ahead in the last two years. This has led to frequent food runs during the 30 minutes I give myself for lunch at work or at the end of a long day when I "need" my meal NOW. I will do better.

Move Forward with Purpose and Direction.

I am trying. I am making my best effort and this is my start. This year isn't a race, it isn't about 100%, it is about growing, improving, doing better and doing it all INTENTIONALLY.

Plan B.

In Plan B related news, when my nephew fell down on our walk last week and I started singing this song to him, he did not appreciate it. But about two blocks later, he did hold my hand and agree to "catch up" to the rest of the family about a block and a half ahead of us. This involved jogging up a hill while holding a four-year-old's hand and remembering to breathe and not trip over the nephew on the scooter. Note to self: four-year-old's don't appreciate 90's songs as much as I do.

"Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more"

I keep picturing in my head a certain rabbit with a certain pocket watch proclaiming, "I am late, I am late!!" I am most certainly late  as I write this blog post, partially because so much has changed since March I don't even know where to begin!!

My heart is full as I think of where I was at back in January as I set my New Year's Resolutions. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tired of where I was at in life and I wanted to set SMART goals. I succeeded in some areas and have failed in others; let me report.

1. I resolve to read the Book of Mormon entirely at least once.

In March I had set the goal to make it through Mosiah before June, I didn't make it. I got to the middle of 2nd Nephi. I am still invested in this and I need to make it a priority.

2. I resolve to write in my journal once a week.

I don't think I have written in my journal since March. The reminder alarm still goes off every Sunday though.

3. I resolve to blog once a quarter (even if it is just an accounting of my progress).

Fail. Still working on it though - I haven't given up!

4. I resolve to drink 8 glasses of water a day.

For the most part I have knocked this out of the park! There have been days here or there that I might not get all my water but I am more likely to get 10-12 cups of water than 5.

5. I resolve to exercise for 30 minutes a day at least 5 days a week.

In March, I was failing at this goal. In June I got back on the wagon and I can say that I have worked out at least 30 minutes 5 days a week (if not 6 ) for the last 4 months. I am getting there. I started a Beachbody free challenge group in June which had me working out for 30 minutes a day 6 days a week, I did another one in July. Then I started the 21-day fix, a workout program with 30 minute HIIT workouts, and I started feeling that I was really caring for my body the right way and really getting 30 minutes of EXERCISE!

6. I resolve to complete two Personal Progress Value Projects (Faith and Virtue).

I was released from Young Women's at the end of June, so while I am still working on these my snails pace is continuing to be a snails pace. And I am okay with that. Don't worry; snails cross finish lines too.

7. I resolve to not drink soda at all, not even diet, not even when I am really tired or have a migraine.

100%! Recently I have had a couple of time when I really wanted a Lemonberry Slushie during happy hour at Sonic, but I have resisted.

8. I resolve to set a bedtime, and stick with it (being realistic I am starting with 11:30 PM).

Fail. I was doing really well for a month or two (July and August) but I have gotten bad at this again and need to get back on the wagon.

9. I resolve to not eat from a drive thru.

Drive thru eating has been significantly less since June as in less than five times in 4 months - still not the best but better.

10. I resolve to be on social media less (Facebook).

I am on Facebook more as I participate in and run challenge groups, but I guess my Facebook time has been more constructive.

11. I resolve to not eat dessert  (or sugary food/drinks) until my birthday in 2016.

Okay, so this has been the goal that has probably gotten the most amount of attention from me and everyone else. I have some slip ups to report since March. I licked the beaters and ate a few mini cheesecakes, and I ate a chocolate chip with a piece of chocolate chip cookie on it still.

I can say that all now very easily but there was definitely some shame in the few cheesecakes. In June I taught YW and promised the girls a treat if they completed their assignment. So on the Second Saturday in June I made mini cheesecakes, that day I licked the beater and ate on that looked weird (I really was just trying to make sure it didn't taste awful because it looked REALLY weird). I admitted it, I fessed up, I wasn't terribly pleased with myself but neither was I mad.

There were left overs. I gave away a lot of cheesecakes, I took a lot to work. Yet Monday evening their were 2 in my refrigerator. They looked so innocent; I didn't think it would be a problem - after all they had been there for 3 days. I am no long clear on exactly what happened, but around 7 PM I went to the fridge, pulled out one of the cheesecakes and ate it while standing there in my kitchen.

It was divine! I am not sure if it was the 5 months without dessert that made that cheesecake taste so good or if it was just freaking AMAZING all by itself, but I ate the whole thing - Graham Cracker crust and all! And then I went back to doing whatever I had been doing. Thirty minutes later I ate the other one. I was really not pleased with myself and the internal name calling started immediately. I didn't post this "slip up" on Facebook because I wasn't done shaming myself.

Around 2 AM I woke up with a migraine, which went down in the history books as the first migraine ever to wake me up once I was already asleep. I was so disappointed in myself that I "couldn't manage" to resist a little cheesecake. I even think I would have had an easier time forgiving myself if I had stopped after one and not gone on to eat the other. Old vocabulary words that I had long since stopped using started coming back. "Weak," "stupid," "ugly," "liar," "worthless," "unlovable," "broken," "unforgivable," "not good enough," "unwanted," "unworthy."

I spiraled. I was processing the situation with a friend just a few days later and the my unwillingness to post about it on Facebook struck her as the most problematic. That was a symptom of not believing the comments that I expected that I would receive based off past experience. I anticipated comments like "You are so strong." "You inspire me." "You are amazing." And I didn't feel like it was true; I felt like I had hoodwinked everyone and they were giving me more credit than I deserved. I felt like a fraud - a weak, unlovable, unworthy fraud.

The perfectionist in me said "You've already ruined your perfect score, you might as well eat whatever dessert you want. Eat it all." I wanted to. I wanted to so very badly and I think the hardest decision in the past 9 months and 2 days was to continue to not eat dessert. The decision to not throw in the towel.

The therapist in me argued back, "154/157 days is still an A. You are still winning." So with time, and tears, and forgiving myself, I kept going, one day at a time. And for the most part it wasn't too hard. There were days when all I wanted to do was eat that dessert, and I walked away. Now I am at 275 days since January 1, 4 of which I have eaten what I would consider dessertish, 1 of which I truly and fully relapsed which means depending on who is counting I have between 98.5% and 99.6%.

"I am groundskeeper to His Temple."

My New Year's Resolutions were a reflection of what I was feeling physically and spiritually back in December. I felt that I needed to change and improve and repent! As a therapist, I am intimately aware of how our physical body can have a powerful influence over our spirit. I am deeply grateful for the physical body that I have been blessed with in this life, but in December I felt acutely that I was not caring for my "temple" in a pleasing manner to my Heavenly Father. I felt that I needed to do more to care for both the inside and outside of my holy "Temple", just as we do for the physical buildings dedicated as Temples.

I have seen both a physical and spiritual transformation so far this year and I am excited to see what these last 3 months hold for me as I continue to work towards my resolutions! I am so grateful for the support of family and friends who have helped me to get this far! I am also eternally grateful for a loving Father who hasn't given up on me even when I was ready to give up on myself.

Who can find a Virtuous Woman

I wrote this post several weeks ago and then did not have the time to add finishing touches until today. As I read through it today, I am mentally and emotionally in a very different place with a different perspective on Virtue than I did those weeks ago. This morning I found myself very frustrated with and disappointed in myself as I sat in sacrament meeting. I sat there and hoped and prayed for grace as I repented of the same sin yet again, feeling all the while that I don't deserve to be forgiven since I clearly can't get the "sin no more" part of repentance down.

Moral excellence, goodness, and righteousness seemed so unattainable today as pondered the words to several sacrament hymns. "If [I am] pure before thee...to have [my] sins remitted and take His flesh and blood" and "I tremble to know that for me he was crucified, that for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died." I definitely didn't feel pure and felt terribly unworthy of His sacrifice. As I tried (and mostly failed) to not break down and lose it in the middle of church, I felt a need to talk to my mother. It was very appropriate for Mother's day, so skipping out on Sunday School, I talked to my mom, about mostly absurdities and boring minutia of everyday life. I calmed down, I returned to my meetings, and for the most part I did okay. But when I read through the original 5 paragraphs of my post (my attempt to not ramble forever) I felt like a hypocrite. My words seemed too shiny, too hopeful. Even though I don't feel like a virtuous woman today, I strive to be someday. So unedited, bright and shiny, the original post:

I love the explanation of Virtue given in Preach My Gospel, the manual given to missionaries to help them to prepare to teach the gospel. This explanation states " What you choose to think and do when you are alone and you believe no one is watching is a strong measure of your virtue."

I like to think of Virtue as purity, dedication and commitment. This post started as journaling about the Personal Progress value experience on Virtue that I competed a while ago. I loved how it didn't focus on the dos and don'ts of how to have Virtue or how to keep it. This value experience focused on the blessings of living a virtuous life. The presence of the Holy Ghost at all times and all places is one of the greatest gifts of God as we can grow closer to our Savior and more Christlike through the constant companionship of the third member of the Godhead.

On of my favorite passages of scripture of all time is found in the 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants. The entire section is a beautiful message of hope, love and promise that Joseph Smith received as a result of a heartfelt prayer for the saints while in the midst of his suffering in Liberty Jail. Looking at verses 45 and 46, we learn that Virtue will increase our confidence in the presence of God. Who doesn't want to be confident before God? Who wants to be filled with guilt and shame at that great day when we stand before our Eternal Father and The Christ, Jesus of Nazareth? "Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distill upon thy soul as the dews from heaven. The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever."

My heart was full as I read the promise of enduring righteously through the trials of this life. I know that pain and heartache are as necessary in our lives as joy and peace. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ trials can refine our souls and improve our character. I know that living a virtuous life, while it may not be the popular choice, will have greater blessings then I could ever imagine. I love the proverb "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies" (Proverbs 31:10). When I was in the Young Women's program (ages 12-18), virtue was not one of the values that we studied. I love the reminder that a virtuous woman is invaluable and is something to be sought after.

What a pleasure it is to be able to study it (virtue) now and be reminded of the power and influence a virtuous woman can have in the world today as Esther and Ruth and Sarai and Rachel and Rebekah and so many of the wonderful examples from biblical times. I am reminded of a group of mothers from my hometown  who were concerned enough about the standards of dance at a high school prom that they grouped together and met with school officials and made a plan to help their children to be virtuous. Their children may have been embarrassed that their moms were the ones making a ruckus, but to me it was a fantastic example of the power of being a virtuous woman.

"Have ye received His image in your countanence?"

March Madness is in full swing! Spring has arrived and I escaped Saint Patty's Day without a single pinch. The blossoms are in full bloom and a fine mist of yellow pollen is covering every surface of the South. We are three months into the new year, and it is time for me to make an accounting of my progress on my Resolutions as I promised that I would.

1. I resolve to read the Book of Mormon entirely at least once.
I have not been reading the Book of Mormon consecutively yet this year so I have made no progress towards this goal. I have not failed on this goal in just haven't made any progress towards finishing the Book of Mormon this year. I am setting a sub-goal of getting through Mosiah before my next accounting in June.

2. I resolve to write in my journal once a week.
I have written in my journal twice in the last three months. Needless to say I accounting currently failing miserably at this resolution. Isn't it great that I still have 9 months to get it right?!

3. I resolve to blog once a quarter (even if it is just an accounting of my progress).
Check! I have been pondering this post since March first and I

have been excited to report on the goals I am succeeding at and dreading to report my failure. I have found so much motivation to try harder and keep working at the things I am not doing well at knowing that I will be making an honest report of the end results.

4. I resolve to drink 8 glasses of water a day.
This resolution I have not been 100% successful at, but in the last three months there have been only about 10 days when I didn't get 8 cups of water and usually I got at least 10! Yay for water! I have noticed that I am less tired and generally feel better the days I  have enough water!

5. I resolve to exercise for 30 minutes a day at least 5 days a week.
Fail! I did really good for the first three weeks, and then the last week of January I caught some bug and stopped working out regularly. And it has been quite hard to start up regularly again. I am still working at it, but I have a long way to go before December.

6. I resolve to complete two Personal Progress Value Projects (Faith and Virtue).
I am going at a snails pace! I have completed one value experience for Faith and one for Virtue. At this rate in will not finish by December 31st, so for a sub goal I now need to complete two value experiences a month in order to give myself time to finish the value projects! I have loved going through the personal progress book and studying the scriptures in order to pass off my value experiences.  I am grateful for the opportunity to "experiment" with the principles of Faith and Virtue and increase my testimony of them. I feel like any one who is feeling stagnant in their spiritual progression just needs to work on some personal progress to feel the Fire of the Covenant burn brightly in their hearts.

7. I resolve to not drink soda at all, not even diet, not even when I am really tired or have a migraine.
100%! It has actually been easier than expected. I did invest in some Excedrin  to go in my car, but I have only needed it once!

8. I resolve to set a bedtime, and stick with it (being realistic I am starting with 11:30 PM).
Fail. Again I did really well the first week or so but my night owl tendencies have exerted themselves forcefully. I have been in bed prior to 11:30 every night but not generally asleep. I am still working at it!

9. I resolve to not eat from a drive thru.
Massive fail. I kind of even forgot this was one of my Resolutions. Time to start over!

10. I resolve to be on social media less (Facebook).
I think I have done well will this.... maybe. I guess this wasn't really a measurable goal (at least I didn't identify a way to measure it).

11. I resolve to not eat dessert  (or sugary food/drinks) until my birthday in 2016.
99.9% win. I had a dollop of whipped cream with some crumbs of cake one day a week or so ago. In substance abuse mindset,  I lapsed but did not relapse. I definitely have had a lot of difficulty not eating dessert this last month. It all started when I involuntarily committed a client. It was a clear situation were she was a danger to herself and others, but it was a difficult thing to testify before the magistrate that she was not of sound mind. 

I had an intense urge to have and milkshake as I drove home that night. That was the first real craving I had this year and they have come more often and more strongly ever since. As of today I have 79 days down and 224 days left. This resolution had made planning my birthday very exciting. I have been playing out what dessert I will indulge in come October. I am planning my relapse and it is very fun!

Now my gut says to end my post here and avoid my usual book length rants, but I have too many thoughts running through my mind to stop now.

Yesterday I was sitting in the celestial room of the Raleigh Temple and I picked up the Book of Mormon to read through Alma 5 for one of the Value Projects for Virtue. As in started reading I was delighted to realize that the book was in Spanish and with my mind turned to the covenants that I have made I read through the questions that Alma poses to the people of Zarahemla. My heart was touched and I felt eager to write in my journal my answers that I gave to the Lord as I pondered that passage of scripture. 

Then following that fantastic experience, I was attending the adult session of Stake conference and I was edified. As we reasoned together with Elder Kopischke regarding faith, I was encouraged to experiment to increase my faith in the Lord Jesus the Christ. Being mindful of the questions Alma asked three of my favorites resonated in my mind throughout the meeting and on my drive home. "Oh Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts? ... And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?"  

As I pondered and prayed in my heart, I turned the radio to K-Love and there coming through the speakers were the following lyrics: 

"No regrets, not this time, I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind. Let Your love make me whole...‘Cause just okay is not enough. I don't wanna go through the motions; I don't wanna go one more day... I don't wanna spend my whole life asking, 'What if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?'"

"The Motions" by Matthew West.

It was the perfect ending to a beautiful day. These lyrics put into words the feelings in my heart as I thought about what "experiments" I am going to be making over the next weeks and months. What an awesome invitation and prayer to experiment on the Word and increase our faith and give everything so that we can say with a resounding YES "I have received His image in my countenance. I have had a mighty change of heart and I have sung the song of redeeming love. I still sing it now!"

What love I feel for the Savior! How grateful I am that through His atonement I can improve and do better on my Resolutions and in obedience to His commandments! How glad I am that even though there were questions that I answered with less than 100% confidence, I can change and I can experiment until the day when my "confidence [shall] wax strong in the presence of God" (Doctrine and Covenants 121:45). I want to be able to say "I have given everything."

If you feel so inclined to take personal inventory of your standing before God, I have included the questions from Alma 5 (or you can go to the source itself):

1. have you sufficiently retained in remembrance the captivity of your fathers?

2. have you sufficiently retained in remembrance his mercy and long-suffering towards them?
3. And moreover, have ye sufficiently retained in remembrance that he has delivered their souls from hell?
4. were they destroyed?
5. were the bands of death broken, and the chains of hell which encircled them about, were they loosed?
6. on what conditions are they saved?
7. what grounds had they to hope for salvation?
8.  What is the cause of their being loosed from the bands of death, yea, and also the chains of hell?
9. did not my father Alma believe in the words which were delivered by the mouth of Abinadi?
10. And was he not a holy prophet?
11. Did he not speak the words of God, and my father Alma believe them?
12. And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God?
13. Have ye received his image in your countenances?
14. Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?
15. Do ye exercise faith in the redemption of him who created you?
16. Do you look forward with an eye of faith, and view this mortal body raised in immortality, and this corruption raised in incorruption, to stand before God to be judged according to the deeds which have been done in the mortal body?
17. I say unto you, can you imagine to yourselves that ye hear the voice of the Lord, saying unto you, in that day: Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth?
18. Or do ye imagine to yourselves that ye can lie unto the Lord in that day, and say—Lord, our works have been righteous works upon the face of the earth—and that he will save you?
19. Or otherwise, can ye imagine yourselves brought before the tribunal of God with your souls filled with guilt and remorse, having a remembrance of all your guilt, yea, a perfect remembrance of all your wickedness, yea, a remembrance that ye have set at defiance the commandments of God?
20. I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the image of God engraven upon your countenances?
21. I say unto you, can ye think of being saved when you have yielded yourselves to become subjects to the devil?
22. I ask of you, my brethren, how will any of you feel, if ye shall stand before the bar of God, having your garments stained with blood and all manner of filthiness?
23. Behold, what will these things testify against you?
24. Behold will they not testify that ye are murderers, yea, and also that ye are guilty of all manner of wickedness?
25. Behold, my brethren, do ye suppose that such an one can have a place to sit down in the kingdom of God, with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob, and also all the holy prophets, whose garments are cleansed and are spotless, pure and white?
26. And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?
27. Have ye walked, keeping yourselves blameless before God?
28.  Could ye say, if ye were called to die at this time, within yourselves, that ye have been sufficiently humble?
29. That your garments have been cleansed and made white through the blood of Christ, who will come to redeem his people from their sins?
30. Behold, are ye stripped of pride?
31. Behold, I say, is there one among you who is not stripped of envy?
32. And again I say unto you, is there one among you that doth make a mock of his brother, or that heapeth upon him persecutions?
33. if ye are not the sheep of the good shepherd, of what fold are ye?
34. Behold, I say unto you, that the devil is your shepherd, and ye are of his fold; and now, who can deny this?
35. And this is not all. Do ye not suppose that I know of these things myself?
36. can ye withstand these sayings;
37. yea, can ye lay aside these things, and trample the Holy One under your feet;
38. yea, can ye be puffed up in the pride of your hearts;
39. yea, will ye still persist in the wearing of costly apparel and setting your hearts upon the vain things of the world, upon your riches?
40. Yea, will ye persist in supposing that ye are better one than another;
41. yea, will ye persist in the persecution of your brethren, who humble themselves and do walk after the holy order of God, wherewith they have been brought into this church, having been sanctified by the Holy Spirit, and they do bring forth works which are meet for repentance—
42. Yea, and will you persist in turning your backs upon the poor, and the needy, and in withholding your substance from them?
43. For the names of the righteous shall be written in the book of life, and unto them will I grant an inheritance at my right hand. And now, my brethren, what have ye to say against this?

Who Am I (A New Year's Resolution)

I find myself sitting in an airport on New Year's Eve wishing I had a pad of paper to write out my list of New Year's Resolutions (since I don't have that I am blogging, on my phone...). Now for people who know me well, this may come as a shock. I am generally oposed to New Year's Resolutions  (to be referred to as NYRs for the duration of the post) because I feel that a year long goal is not very SMART. I have taught enough classes on goals to insist that they should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and TIMELY. My great complaint about NYRs is that they are not timely! I am all for daily, weekly, monthly and quarterly goals, but I feel that yearly goals are unrealistically untimely. We set ourselves up for failure. Getting down off my soapbox, I am setting myself some NYRs.

It all starts with a talk given in a church meeting over a year ago. Sometime prior to Aug. 2014, possibly in stake conference, someone shared the lyrics of the song "Who am I" from Les Mes. The lyrics struck a chord deep in my heart as I reflected on the Atonement of Jesus Christ and its power in my life.

Who am I?
Can I condemn this man to slavery
Pretend I do not feel his agony
This innocent who bears my face
Who goes to judgement in my place
Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
And must my name until I die
Be no more than an alibi?
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on
[He appears in front of the court]
Who am I? Who am I?
I am Jean Valjean!

"He gave me hope when hope was gone; he gave me strength to journey on." How true those words echo in my heart! But even more so, how true they will be tomorrow, and 6 months from now, and 365 days from now when I sit down and give an accounting of my achievements or failures. As I sit here my mind is drawn to the Psalm of Nephi, to the need we all have to repent and grow and change!

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

The Lord has invited us to improve ourselves and "be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect" (3 Nephi 12:48). And he has promised that we do not have to climb the path towards perfection alone! We are told that, "if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).

My NYRs are focused on some weak things that can be made stronger and some things that were good that I can replace with better uses of my time. My hope is that with my goals I will feel confident in answering "Who am I" next December, but also confident that my friends and family will also feel confident in their answers about who I am.

1. I resolve to read the Book of Mormon entirely at least once.
2. I resolve to write in my journal once a week.
3. I resolve to blog once a quarter (even if it is just an accounting of my progress).
4. I resolve to drink 8 glasses of water a day.
5. I resolve to exercise for 30 minutes a day at least 5 days a week.
6. I resolve to complete two Personal Progress Value Projects (Faith and Integrity).
7. I resolve to not drink soda at all, not even diet, not even when I am really tired or have a migraine.
8. I resolve to set a bedtime, and stick with it (being realistic I am starting with 11:30 PM).
9. I resolve to not eat from a drive thru.
10. I resolve to be on social media less (Facebook, because we all know my Instagram account is a joke).
11. I resolve to not eat dessert  (or sugary food/drinks) until my birthday in 2016.

To help myself succeed with my NYRs, I each Sunday I will check in on my progress and assess where improvements need to be made. Each month I will visually document progress. Each quarter I will publicly acknowledge progress  (blogging or Facebook). And next December, I will give a full accounting. 

In Preach My Gospel, we find the quote "When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates" (see Thomas S. Monson, in Conference Report, Oct. 1970, 107). I fully intend to use the same principle to my progress on NYRs.

New Year's Resolutions may not be your thing, and that is okay.  But as we start a new month and a new year, I encourage you to set some goals even if they aren't quite so long term. Next year may we be able to look back as Jean Valjean and say that we are not the men we were before so that we can face ourselves and know that we have strived to live worthy of the sacrifice of our Savior.

Humility

 Heaven knows this, humility, is a struggle for me every minute of every day! Over the last few months (since the last time I posted) I have been reflecting on the nature of relationships. Part of it could be because of my education and the topic of lectures, part of it could because I am 25 years old and single, part of this reflection might be due to things discussed in church or institute, but mostly I think that it comes from sitting down with clients and seeing so clearly why they are depressed: isolation, a lack of daily interactions, feeling alone, thinking about everything that has ever gone wrong with any of their past relationships. In some cases, it is so easy see the problem as a third party observer and mostly it focuses on the nature of relationships.

The Pride Cycle

Everybody knows that some relationships are healthy, some are abusive, some are enmeshed, and some are just wrong. Sometimes relationships end with varying amounts of pain and frustration. Sometimes we know what went wrong, but sometimes we are left baffled by a destructive force that is so obvious to someone on the outside looking in: PRIDE! In the LDS Church we are taught from a very early age about a pattern that reveals itself in the scriptures; we call it The Pride Cycle. 

Moses parts the Red Sea

Take the Israelites at the time of Moses for example. The people were enslaved to the Egyptians. They became a very humble people and pleaded to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, for help. The Lord has mercy on them and calls a prophet, Moses, to rescue the Israelites. They are freed from slavery and are escaping to the Promised Land when an interesting phenomena occurs: The people begin to complain and to take for granted the miracles they were experiencing (manna, parting the Red Sea, the Ten Commandments, the Ark of the Covenant, etc.). The Israelites became a proud, wicked and idolatrous people; as a result they were humbled by being denied entry into the Promised Land and wandered in the desert for 40 years.

The divorce rate in the United States was at 52.9% in 2011; marriage rates have decreased between 2000 and 2010 from 8.2 marriages per 1000 people to 6.8. Not an enormous difference but fairly telling. Cohabitation has increased, giving couples an easy out when pride rears its ugly head in a relationship. Recently in a discussion about relationships, the following adage from a driver's education class was shared:

'Here lies the body of George McFay

 He died defending his right of way

 He was right, dead right, as he drove along

 But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong.

The discussion leader related this to the need to "be right" in a relationship. It was rephrased something like this, in order to make a point:

"Here lies the marriage of George McFay, 

It died as he fought for the right of HIS way, 

George was right, alright, as he fought along, 

But his marriage is over just as if he'd been wrong."

(or But his divorce is just as final as if he'd been wrong)

I think this is something that I personally struggle with a good deal. I like to be right, and I'm a bit of a know-it-all, and it is hard for me to back away from an argument when I am RIGHT. But what is that pride, that need to be better, or more important, or more accurate, or more knowledgeable, or more composed, or a better philosopher, or more sophisticated, or a better cook, or a better homemaker, or a better mother, father, sister, brother, etc? Is that more important than our best friend, our spouse, our family, our future?

In the Bible Jesus teaches his disciples that "Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is the greatest in the Kingdom of God." (Matt. 18.4) He speaks of being meek, poor in spirit, broken hearted, and contrite; are not these traits of a humble man? If humility plays such a vital role in our attaining the Kingdom of God, that a mansion might be prepared for us, how much more important is it in our daily relationships???

Getting back to those statistics on divorce, most states allow a no-fault divorce to occur with a simple explanation of "irreconcilable differences" listed as reason enough to end a lifelong legal commitment! What does irreconcilable differences mean? He has bad breath? She didn't lose the baby weight? She can't cook? He doesn't pick up his dirty laundry? In my mind irreconcilable differences means you're giving up! The marriage commitment of the rest of your life (or eternity, depending on your belief system) is no longer worth your time and effort. You are too good for that? The other person doesn't deserve your effort?

Now I am not saying that there are not valid reasons to end a marriage; abuse should never be tolerated! Infidelity is a challenge that not all couples can overcome. Addictions (illicit drugs, alcohol, pornography, prescription drugs) can destroy relationships in every possible way, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. What I am saying is that PRIDE is the #1 destroyer of marriages.

In a recent survey by the National Fatherhood Initiative the top 8 causes that couples listed for divorce were:

1. Lack of Commitment (aka pride)
2. Too Much Arguing (pride)
3. Infidelity (in part, pride)
4. Marrying Too Young (know it all/pride)
5. Unrealistic Expectations (pride)
6. Lack of Equality (power struggle/pride)
7. Lack of Preparation (pride)
8. Abuse (pride)

Now some people might think that it is a stretch that all 8 of these top reasons for divorce could be attributed to pride on the side of one or both parties. But just think about it; how many of those reasons are accompanied with this type of logic? I am better than this (him/her). I am right. It has to be my way. Rules don't apply to me; I am above rules/society. I don't care what he/she thinks and feels; my feelings are more important! This isn't as easy as I thought it would be; I don't want this. I can't let go of that one comment made 10 years ago, so I will keep bringing it up. I am too good for this situation or this person. I have to be in charge, in control; I need the power no matter the cost.

Didn't Jesus teach to turn the other cheek? To give not only the coat but the cloak also? To forgive 70 times 7? Don't we call that being "Christian"? But where is this Christianity when someone cuts us off on the freeway? Where is this Christianity when you are worried sick because somebody should have been home hours ago and hasn't called, again? Where is the Christianity when the stress and bothers of everyday life start to get old?

In true dictionary form, I looked up the definition of humility and it said "to be humble". So I looked up that definition, so we can all have a clear idea of what it is Jesus wants us to be.

Well, I most certainly have #5 down pat, and I don't think #7 is anything close to what God means when he says humble. But for the most part I think the rest of those are pretty darn close. I think He wants us to recognize our dependence on Him in all things. He would want us to be "courteously respectful" to all His children. Being humble in our relationships means loving others, finding charity, forgiving trespasses, and enduring to the end.

It is my belief that part of our "test" here in this mortal existence is to learn how to build and sustain proper, healthy relationships. The scriptures teach that part of God's purpose in sending us to this earth was to test us to see if we would be faithful, obedient. But I don't think that it is a coincidence that by the laws of God, a family is necessary to bring His children into this world. The commandments that the scriptures outline teach us how to be better spouses, better daughters, better parents. God's commandments teach us how to be families! Isn't family the most important thing in life? What meaning do we find in money, or status, or possessions if there is nobody to share it with? What good is being right if you die alone?

Years ago when I was struggling to get along with a roommate, I read an article in my church's magazine that helped me to gain perspective on the difficult relationship. I was able to be a little bit more humble and see a little more of the big picture. The article was titled "Putting My Marriage Before My Pride". Essentially this woman and her husband had an awful fight and she waited and waited for him to come apologize to her. As the days passed and she grew more hurt and offended, this women knelt down and prayed to God that her husband would apologize. The result of that prayer was that the Holy Spirit touched her heart and asked her, "Would you rather be right or married?" (I am paraphrasing; for the whole story in her own words, click here.)

That question touched my heart. I wasn't married; my troublesome relationship was not with a dear friend (at that point in time) but it made me realize how much of the stress and tension came from our pride, both hers and mine. As I started asking myself "Is it more important that the kitchen be clean, or that we don't fight?" and "Would I rather use her idea or deal with pouting and confusion all day?" things slowly improved in our relationship. Four years later I would consider her a good friend. It was not easy. It took a lot of biting my tongue, but somehow God helped me to be a little more humble.

Humility...

For myself, I commit to being a little more kind this week. I will try not to pick fights. I will let things go when they aren't important. I will forgive the annoyances that I am faced with. I will try to be more teachable, more flexible, and more childlike. I will avoid selfishness and complaining. I will try to be more like my Savior. I will be more humble. Each minute of each day, I will remember that I must find humility.

When it comes to resolving conflict in relationships, "sweeping it under the rug" tends to make things worse. Here are 5 friendly tips on things you can do to work things out while still being humble.

1. Focus on the problem, not the person. When a disagreement turns to personal insults, raised voices, or mocking tones, the conversation is no longer productive. Be careful to focus on the problem without placing blame on your partner. If a disagreement because personal, you should pause the conversation.
2. Use reflective listening. Oftentimes during arguments we focus on getting our own point across rather than listening to our partner. Before responding to your partner, restate what they have said to you in your own words. Continue this process until your partner agrees that you understand. Next, share your side. Your partner should reflect back your ideas in their own words until they too understand. Using this technique will help both individuals feel listened to and understood, even if you disagree.
3. Use “I” statements. When sharing a concern, begin your sentence with “I”. For example: “I feel hurt when you don’t tell me you’ll be late”. With this sentence format we show that we are taking responsibility for our own emotion rather than blaming our partner. The alternative sentence—“You never tell me when you’re going to be late”—will often cause a partner to become defensive.
4. Know when to take a time-out. When you and your partner are becoming argumentative, insulting, or aggressive, it’s a good idea to take a time-out. Have a plan in place so you or your partner can call for a break when needed. Spend some time doing something alone that you find relaxing. When you’ve both calmed down, you and your partner can return to solving the problem. Be sure that you do return—it isn't a good idea to leave these issues unaddressed. 
5. Work toward a resolution. Disagreement is a normal part of a relationship. If it becomes clear that you and your partner will not agree, focus on a resolution instead. Try to find a compromise that benefits both individuals. Ask yourself if this disagreement really matters to your relationship, and let yourself move on if not.

I Love to See the Temple

This is a fairly long story, and starts in a very round about way. A few of MONTHS ago I had a picnic with my cohort from university, and I had to walk right by this building in order to get to the park. On the way up to the park, a friend and I noticed a trail of yellow and purple hearts that had been painted on the sidewalk. We theorized as to why someone would paint hearts on the sidewalk; my first thought was that it was a Spirit Week prank for some local high school. My friend thought it must have been a proposal. We enjoyed our picnic, and as we walked home, we decided to follow the hearts. We found that they ended in the park but we needed to find where they started. So we did! In case you are curious the hearts stop in front of the apartment complex named Raintree. Below is a map of the path, the red X marks where I live and the large white circle towards the bottom is a college football stadium (for scaling purposes). The white arrow points to the LDS Temple above.

Anyway, so later that week, we were able to listen to a message on the Sabbath talking about the importance of the temples. I really was touched by the necessity to find our ancestors and be connected to them. Through my service as a temple ordinance worker, I have really come to appreciate the sanctity that comes through the temple ordinances and helping others receive those blessings and peace. I am often reminded of how often, growing up, my mom would try to get me to index or look at genealogy work; I was never really interested. That all changed in this last year, I took an introduction to genealogy course at the university at the same time that I started working as an ordinance worker. Now, I feel the need to do genealogical research, when I am bored I do indexing of records on line, and I am frustrated that life and money get in the way of my finding my ancestors. I am astonished at how grounding the knowledge of our family can be in our lives, even without knowing anything about their lives other than dates and places. To look at that list of names and places and know "That is where I came from; without them I wouldn't be here today, here in school, here in life, here!"

A few days latter that week, Thursday to be exact, I had some extra time and was watching sappy chick-flicks, and was a little emotional, and I felt so very unlovable. The therapist in me could ask myself if this idea was logical, and if this belief was helping or hurting me, and if there was any proof or evidence that I was unlovable, but it didn't matter. I could reasonably answer those questions with the proper responses, but emotionally I had proof, and it made perfect sense that I was unlovable, and I was just being realistic so it didn't really matter that I was hurting. So as I was having this debate between the rational me and the emotional me I decided to take a walk. My walk took me right up to the temple where I sat on the grass for about half an hour and was blessed by the ever so common response to my prayers which was "Be still, and know that I am God". As I sat there I was filled with the love that God has for me, and the rational/emotional war within myself disappeared. Rationality returned and I was able to go home, feeling better, loved, and once again sane.

I am continually astonished at the peace and comfort that I receive just being on the temple grounds. I remember in Spain that people would cut through the temple grounds on their walk to the store or metro station because they loved the spirit they felt there. When approached by missionaries they were never interested but they clearly recognized that there is something special about that area. How grateful I am that I have such a refuge so close to my apartment!  What a great blessing it is that on this earth there are 140 temples with more on the way! I would encourage you all to find the closest one and visit the grounds if you can't go inside. You will be amazed at the peace and comfort that you can feel without ever entering the temple itself. 

So, I was given a homework assignment a couple of months ago which I did not complete. My assignment was to blog; instead that weekend, I went grocery shopping, and rearranged furniture, and went to a bridal shower, and watched Despicable Me, and went to regional conference. All in all, I think it was a good use of my time, but I did not blog.

Growing up...what's that all about?

I have had a lot of experiences lately with work that have had me banging my head against the wall and questioning what growing up is all about. I work with youth in custody (YIC) who range from 14 to 19 years of age. I know that I have spoken of them before. In the last month I have been racking my brain trying to motivate one particular youth. This particular person has failed to fulfill his assignments on multiple occasions so I requested that he write a 1000 word essay on responsibility. What I received was a 1000 word rant on how unfair his life was and how he was sorry that he had relapsed into his prior behavior and broken the trust of his foster parents. I took it back to him, reexplained his assignment and asked him to write me a college-level essay on responsibility. He turned in, 2 days late, an explanation that he was irresponsible because he didn't do chores growing up.While it was a vast improvement from the first paper, it did not fulfill ANY of the requirements I established. So after asking a second opinion of my bosses and his foster mother, I asked him for a rewrite. I sat down with a definition of responsibility and the introduction of a sample essay on responsibility. I made him read through the rough draft of my very first college essay (which received a C letter grade), and I again asked him for a college level essay on responsibility. Since he had failed twice I made a more strict deadline and told him that he would write a 1000 words a day with a minimum of a 2000 word essay. He was told to have it done a specific day and that each additional day would require an extra 1000 words. Today he turned in a barely 2000 word essay on the day that 4000 words were do. When I asked him why it was not 4000 words he said, "because I have already written two essays on this topic." He then had the gall to ask me for an extension. Three weeks after his original essay was due he still has learned NOTHING about responsibility.

So what is responsibility? According to the dictionary, it is the state or fact of being responsible; a particular burden of obligation, reliability or dependability. From its various definitions I combined the meaning to understand that responsibility is accountability; it is capability and follow through. It is being reliable and trustworthy. It is a burden of obligation and being dependable and answerable. It is growing up.

The older we get the more we are capable of, which means the more we are responsible for.
At age 5 we become accountable to our school teachers.
At age 8 we become accountable before God.
At some age in between we become accountable to our parents for our portion of the household work.
At age 16 we become accountable for a car and everybody in it.
At age 18 we become accountable to the United States government as we become capable of voting.
At age 21 we become accountable for the appropriate use of alcohol.

The list goes on as we become responsible for rent, car payments, tuition, jobs, children, spouses, parents and grandparents, as they age. Life is an endless lesson in RESPONSIBILITY. When you first say that it can be a little bit daunting and possibly even depressing. But what is more life-affirming than the recognition of our immense capabilities as we prove to ourselves and the world that we are TRUSTWORTHY, ACCOUNTABLE, RELIABLE, DEPENDABLE, and dare I repeat CAPABLE? As we are responsible for our commitments, our obligations, our promises and our time, we become aware of our own worth and divine nature as children of the Most High God.

The media for years has marketed this idea of a poor self-esteem and the need to encourage children in their self-image. As a result, for years, falsely inflated egos have entered the academic realm and lowered standards; they have entered the work force and lowered the standard of work ethic in order to accommodate these ever so fragile self-esteems. But what better source of self-esteem than knowing your own worth because you are a responsible person. Because your word is as binding as any contract, because your quality of work is the best that you can give, because people can rely on you to get your work done right and on time. Because you are trustworthy, accountable, reliable, dependable, capable. You are responsible.

In my church on Sunday we had a moving lesson on the discourse given by Neil L. Andersen, titled What Thinks Christ of Me? (click this link to read the speech). This question was central in the lesson and discussion. As I pondered this question I was reminded of this essay I asked this boy to write. I thought to myself Christ's opinion of me is probably based on how much he can count on me. Do I keep the commitments I made to him when I was baptized in his name? Do I actively build a relationship with him through daily prayer and scripture study. Do I recognize his hand in my life? Am I dependable enough that he can prompt me to help a hand drooping in sorrow and know that I will be there to lift that person from despair? Am I someone he can turn to in order to touch the lives of his flock? and if not, what am I going to do today so that I will know what Christ thinks of me? So that I can answer yes to every single question, so that I can know that I am trustworthy, not only with my neighbors and friends, but that I am trustworthy for my God.

So how do we get there?

I wish that I had all the answers. I wish that I could be writing this 20 years down the road with the 20/20 vision of hindsight. I wish that I could say "been there, done that", but I am as far from knowing with certainty "what thinks Christ of me" as the next person. I can tell you what I do know. I know that no matter where we are in life, and no matter what we have done, God loves us. No matter how irresponsible this young boy that I work with is, God loves him. Even if He is still using other people to serve us, instead of us to serve others, it's okay. He is patient. He is kind. He understands; He is perfect. And He will wait as we figure it out. He will wait for that relationship and He will test our responsibility as He encourages us to glimpse the eternities and see our true potential.

Although I begrudging am growing up; I eagerly look forward to the day that I can say I am there. Many times in our lives we are asked what we would like to be when we grow up. Answers can very from the adorable fireman to mothers and teachers or politicians, but after nearly 25 years of searching, I think I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.

RESPONSIBLE

Miracles

A while back a friend elicited a promise from me that I would blog once a month; if you can't tell I have failed miserably. However, I try to think quality over quantity whenever I feel guilty. My thoughts have been all over the place lately. First of all, when my friends whom I do not see often ask me what has been going on in my life I am naturally inclined to tell them that my life is boring and that I lack stories to tell. I have recently realized that is not technically true; I have miracles. Maybe my life isn't as exciting as M-'s because I am not living in a foreign country, nor A-'s because I am not planning my wedding and done with school, nor is life as interesting as K-'s as she prepares for twins. But I am still so grateful to be where I am and my life is interesting enough.

I work with youth in custody, as a mentor, a chauffeur, and sometimes a babysitter. In the last couple of weeks I have gone from working with a couple of teenagers to a minivan full. My kids (as I call them) range from 14 to 19 in age and are just as different in personality. With some the 5 hours a week together is fun and goes by fast, and for others it can be frustrating. A is like a sibling, N reminds me of my brothers, M is full of it and obnoxious, K is a lot of talk but seems sincere, T is a slow mover, and T was brainwashed and I am just trying to figure out where the training ends and he/she starts. For a few of them it is too early to tell what they are really like and where we will go with our time together, but I frequently try to remind myself that they are all children of God. Sometimes it is easier than others. However, last week as I drove two youth to court I was blessed with a reminder of why I do what I do. I have know these youth for almost a year I have been able to see them progress and grow in the last year; you might even call it a miracle. In part I wonder how much of their change is just growing up, how much is the work that we do, and how much is the hand of the Lord. One of the two was baptized in foster care while the other is a Jehovah's Witness and neither are active in their faith.

Three years ago I found myself in the MTC; I had the best companions and I learned a lot from them. However, an MTC experience that I have thought a lot about in the last couple of years occurred in Madrid, as my companion and I taught Pres. Hill. I honestly don't remember what we shared with him, but I will never forget what he shared with us. President Hill pointed out that we always find conditional wording in the scriptures when the end result is dependent on human agency. "...men are that they MIGHT have joy." As I have thought of the miracles I have witnessed in the recent past, it strikes me how dependent miracles are on our faith or our action.

My other miracles have very much depended on the exercise of "blind" faith. As back ground description, I wear hard contacts which can be expensive. I recently acquired a new pair of contacts which explains my lack of desire to purchase new ones. A couple of weeks ago, I was taking my contacts out when one dropped on the carpet. I immediately got down on my knees and started looking for the contact. After a couple of minutes of looking I grabbed a flashlight (not for lack of light but to catch the contact at an angle with the light) and offered up a prayer pleading for assistance. As I continued to search, I looked everywhere twice. I wanted to give up many times as the probability of finding the object of my search was slim indeed. But I persisted in faith that the Lord would answer my prayer and I would find it. And when I reached the moment of deciding that perhaps my Father and I were disagreeing on the importance of this contact or that perhaps I was meant to learn something else besides the fact that my prayers are heard: There it was, directly in front of me on a section of the floor that I had searched at least 4 times quite thoroughly. In the moment of finding it, I knew that it was a miracle (small though it was) and that it was a lesson to me in the Power of God.

Another miracle as it were occurred the very next day. I had an appointment of sorts at 11 a.m. and I arrived early enough to escort some friends who had never been to that building to the entrance they needed before heading to my entrance. As I approached I looked for a paper that allows me admittance and could not find it anywhere. At first I was not at all worried as I had placed the paper in my purse before leaving the house. However, after searching twice, I realized it must have fallen out in the car. Looking at my watch I noted that it was 10:40 and that I would not have time to walk back to the where my vehicle was located and get back in time for my 11 o'clock meeting. However, I decided to return to my car and use my time in another manner until my friends meeting ended. When I got to my car and found the paper I needed, I glanced down at my watch and it still said 10:40. This did not surprise me since the face of my clock does not have any numbers or lines designating the times; I frequently am off on my telling of time by a couple of minutes one way or another. I digress; encouraged by the time, I decided to try to make my meeting. I climbed the three flights of stairs to street level, and ran to make the light crossing the street. I hurried to the door and got caught behind a large group of the rather elderly (thus slow-moving) . However, as I finally gained entrance, I glanced at my watch to see how much time I had and was astonished to see that my watch still read 10:40. It was at that moment that I recognized the miracle that had occurred. Time had literally stood still while I got to where I needed to go. I even made it to my meeting early.

I was so humbled as I reflected on the miracles that I have seen in the past weeks. They were small, and probably insignificant to most people. Many would pass it off as coincidence or the power of perseverance, but I recognized the hand of the Lord in my life. Some might call them Tender Mercies, others just blessings, but for me those moments were miracles. I know that our faith can create miracles when needed. God's will and ours are not always the same, but when they are miracles can occur.  I was reflecting upon the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego when they were faced with being thrown in the fiery furnace for not worshiping the idols of the Babylonians. Their response was along the lines of "Our God will save us, but if not we will still believe." If I hadn't made it to my meeting, if I hadn't found my contact, and if the youth I work with never change, I would still know that God is still a God of miracles.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense but don't forget to have the faith to witness miracles in your own life.